Thursday, February 23, 2012

Your Ness

Yesterday morning I felt like a total fraud.

I had some bigger than tiny but not big worries on my mind --and although I knew it was worry-free Wednesday, I just didn't feel like I could shake my worries. The specifics? Not important in 100 years... I will say they felt bigger than me at the time though. I pulled up my most recent post on the Power of Perception....hoping to tap back into that force that drove me to write it in the first place... and after I read it I realized with relief that I am not a fraud. I am human. Just like I said- I am not always positive. But I usually am- and that is the authentic me...and when I am not- it is temporary. Why is it so hard to realize that in the moment, I wonder?

I said it was a muscle...I said I have off days...and when I do...I feel it, just like I would with any other muscle I said, It doesn't come naturally to me at all times, but I want it to...and so I work at it.

And that's when I realized it was time to crunch and curl that muscle. And so I did. I dug down deep to get in touch with what I needed to do to feel better...for this situation? I needed to talk to people I trusted and I reached out. I called my Mom, my sister and a dear friend that always knows what to say. And after I did my positive-muscle squats, I felt much, much better.

When I write, I am confident. I write after I have figured a problem out...after I found a way to fold it neatly with squared hospital corners, and place a beautiful bow on top. I do not often write about the "in between"...the times when I don't have the answers in my soul...sometimes I don't even know yet what the question is. Although my rational mind says contrary, I subconciencely equate not having the answers with being weak...and I equate weak with vulnerable...and I do not like to be vulnerable. This is ironic because I am drawn to strong people who must also must have the ability to be authentic, to be real and to be vulnerable...because I happen to find vulnerability to be beautiful in others. And now as I write I am realizing that being vulnerable doens't mean that you loose who you fact, quite the opposite... Why do we hate vulnerable in ourselves, and crave it from others?.

It reminds me of my favorite scene in the movie You, Me & Dupree. The character, Dupree is giving a Motivational Seminar at the end of the movie and he says:

Life may knock you down. Scratch that. It will knock you down.
It'll kick you in the gut and knock you to the curb.
But you can't let it rob you of your "ness." Now what's Ness? It's your name plus Ness.

Being vulnerable doens't mean I loose my Chrissy-ness. In fact, vulnerable and honest is a big part of my Chrissy-ness! And bad days don't rob us of our ness. Dealing with hard real life situations doesn't damage our ness! Mean people can not steal us of our ness! Traffic can't get near our ness! Bad moods have nothing on our ness!


We have a bad day and we think- I'm such a drag/fraud/cow/failure/tired all the good we've done in Life is suddenly not good... but day to day let downs don't have any power over your ness... 
Your (amyness/jenniferness/lisaness/katieness/wendyness/kaseyness/saraness/anneness/ kristinness/ meganness/ laniness/ shaneness permeates every ounce of you. It isn't doesn't go away with a sneeze... Why do we change our self worth on a daily basis based on the way we are received by others or tasks we complete? Our foundation is so much more concrete than that... Unwaivering Friend...that you are...But only if you believe it too...

Clearly, like me, you are motivated by words...I am so grateful to all of you because you are the ones that give those uplifting words to me. I love hearing from you. I love when you tell me how reading this blog has helped you be a better or happier Mother, Father, Person, Husband, Wife, Dog or Friend.
Jack & Belle and all their friends read the blog.

I cherish those messages. You don't have to specifically have a Spectrum kid to get what I say. I get that.

I like that.

Yesterday I heard from a few of sent me happy shiny emails and messages and reached out and I needed that...I saw the blog shared and'ed and re'pinned. I heard kind words and I am so grateful. 5 new people became Members! I LOVE IT!

As I type, Greyson is currently alone for the first time at preschool. I thought for sure I would cry, but I didn't.


However, it does make this Momma anxious nervous sad happy and scared... (and feeling quite vulnerable).


Leaving for his first solo day at school. Michael is such an involved and incredible Dad. We are BLESSED!

22% of my worry is because he can't communicate his needs and I don't want him to go hide in the corner or line up cars alone, or feel scared or deserted or confused, so that makes me worry...and 88% of it is just like you might feel if you are a non-Spectrum Mom...just the normal- I hope they do OK, I hope they have a good time...I hope it goes well -worry.

It's hard to let our babies explore the World. Good thing our Mommas and Dads let us.

Thank you for coming by...thank you for reading...and thank you so much for sharing. I need the World to understand more about The Spectrum so my son can have the best life possible! Thank you for helping me do that.

If you want to be friends, I'd like that! You can find me on Facebook.


  1. Love your perspective!!!! :) I'm holding on to my "NESS".........

  2. Thank you!!! Yes, Hold on to that Good Meghanness... I think I might be the only person who cried during You, Me & Dupree but I still think about the Ness part!

  3. You are truly just one of one...not one in a million just one of only one. Love you. You have made me laugh so many times when I was sad and struggling with being a single mom.....but I am fine because I never recovered my "ness"

    xoxo my friend. Keep writing and i will keep reading and sharing.

    1. Nusaraness is enviable, wanted by many, aquired by one.

      Thank you for your sweet spirit and most wonderful comments in the World.

      XOXOXO too.

  4. I just came over from face sis in law posted your blog link. My children are all grown, but I will never forget the day I left my oldest at kindergarten. I had almost the same fears as you.....will he do this or that? will the other kids like him? will the teacher understand him??

    It's just all part of our mommyness!

    I love that term!

    1. Awwwww, You are so is a Mommyness thing. We all get it, and each other. I am so glad you found me! Thank you for reading.

  5. Chrissy! You are such a beautiful soul my friend! I love reading your blog! Please keep sharing. That picture of Parker at your open front door gave me chills. You are so's very hard to "let our babies explore the world" and to watch them grow independent with each crawl and step they take. I never could have imagined how being a mom could make me feel, make me fear, make me love, or how it gave me purpose in this life i was floating along in.

    1. Ok now we are all mushy gooey foo foo moms because I just read your comment and I got the chills! Two peas in a pod, we are! THANK YOU for sharing the blog and your comments. Your Meganness is so darned good!