Yesterday morning I felt like a total fraud.
I had some bigger than tiny but not big worries on my mind --and although I knew it was worry-free Wednesday, I just didn't feel like I could shake my worries. The specifics? Not important in 100 years... I will say they felt bigger than me at the time though. I pulled up my most recent post on the Power of Perception....hoping to tap back into that force that drove me to write it in the first place... and after I read it I realized with relief that I am not a fraud. I am human. Just like I said- I am not always positive. But I usually am- and that is the authentic me...and when I am not- it is temporary. Why is it so hard to realize that in the moment, I wonder?
And that's when I realized it was time to crunch and curl that muscle. And so I did. I dug down deep to get in touch with what I needed to do to feel better...for this situation? I needed to talk to people I trusted and I reached out. I called my Mom, my sister and a dear friend that always knows what to say. And after I did my positive-muscle squats, I felt much, much better.
When I write, I am confident. I write after I have figured a problem out...after I found a way to fold it neatly with squared hospital corners, and place a beautiful bow on top. I do not often write about the "in between"...the times when I don't have the answers in my soul...sometimes I don't even know yet what the question is. Although my rational mind says contrary, I subconciencely equate not having the answers with being weak...and I equate weak with vulnerable...and I do not like to be vulnerable. This is ironic because I am drawn to strong people who must also must have the ability to be authentic, to be real and to be vulnerable...because I happen to find vulnerability to be beautiful in others. And now as I write I am realizing that being vulnerable doens't mean that you loose who you are...in fact, quite the opposite... Why do we hate vulnerable in ourselves, and crave it from others?.
It reminds me of my favorite scene in the movie You, Me & Dupree. The character, Dupree is giving a Motivational Seminar at the end of the movie and he says:
Life may knock you down. Scratch that. It will knock you down.
Jack & Belle and all their friends read the blog.
I cherish those messages. You don't have to specifically have a Spectrum kid to get what I say. I get that.
I like that.
Yesterday I heard from a few of you...you sent me happy shiny emails and messages and reached out and I needed that...I saw the blog shared and reshared....pin'ed and re'pinned. I heard kind words and I am so grateful. 5 new people became Members! I LOVE IT!
As I type, Greyson is currently alone for the first time at preschool. I thought for sure I would cry, but I didn't.