good intentions

Late this morning I went for a run...

A super slow, 3 mile, butt cheeks flapping and mocking me in the wind kind of run... But as the perfection post mentioned- the slow butt check flopping run is better than the super duper fast 5 mile run that I don't go on...

While running, my music wouldn't play anything but Aerosmith--no matter how many times I tried to stop, start and reset ...So finally I gave up and figured that there were messages I needed to hear inside...

Man, I sounded just like Steven Tyler while my headphones were blaring in my ears-- and I pretended like I was in the comfort of my own living room as I belted out words and did air guitar while jogging in slo-mo on the Woodward strand.



Damn skippy...


New Year's resolution... use the phrase damn skippy waaay more often...


Yesterday was all about errands and adult and boring-- so today we had some on purpose fun with Greyson and Parker. We went to The Discovery Center, Fresno. It's been around since 1956 and they describe it as hands on Science fun.. St. Louis friends- the first time I went here I totally was expecting something like the Magic House or the Discovery Center... Not so much... More like The Magic House meets Sanford and Sons...But after I got done laughing- I fell in love because it's my boy's idea of Heaven... You can get crazy filthy and play in the dirt- it's a little boy's delight.


You can dig in the sand for real (cow) bones...











Walden pond...a whimsical ecosystem filled with pond life. They even have little nets to catch the little swimmy critters.




And Greyson's absolute Favorite...

The Gemini Space capsule...donated by NASA in 1961. It never made it into space due to a structural flaw but it was used for simulation...







Welcome aboard,  Commander Greyson.










Gadgets and gizmos and knobs and switches....Nirvana...

_______________________________
With the beginning of a New Year comes thoughts and reflections of the past year and of our Future... Whatever thoughts your brain holds--try to make 'em good ones... Take the tough hard times and fold them up ever so nicely and place them in the box labeled the past...


I don't do resolutions but I do Intentions...They don't involve taking away but instead they add to...

It's still at it's beginning baby zygote stage- but Michael and I have mentioned possibly starting a Life with Greyson + Parker Foundation...  I can't explain it any better than I have to share this goodness that he has brought into my Life... and-- I have to take the pain that I sometimes feel and turn it into good too.





I love him so much it hurts... I know you understand and you feel it for your people too...

I want to interact with the World. I want to triple quadruple the number of people that read www.lifewithgreyson.blogspot.com.   I want to change the way the World sees Autism... I want to create understanding and Awareness... and I want you to take it and pass it on...


The PC term for the opposite of an Autistic Child is a Typical Child...

This past weekend I started working on my presentation for a photography class I am offering in January (How to shoot your SLR camera on Manual mode)...

It was so much fun and I have so much good stuff I am excited to share... The January class is full- and originally it was going to be a one time thing- but I may start to offer the class on a monthly basis if the response is good... It's a 2 1/2 hour class on the basics-- part classroom and part hands on outside photo taking... I'm only charging $100 because I want the every day Mom or Dad (or budding photographer) to be able to take it without spending a ton-- and because I like teaching even more than I like money... I can't begin to explain what a gift photography has been in my Life... I want to share that gift with you too... (If you are interested in learning about future classes- please send me an email to kellyc43@gmail.com with Photography Class in the subject line ).

Happy almost New Year's Eve friends... I'll be back in a couple of days.

Love,
Chrissy

happily ever after

One hour and 54 minutes...on average the length of a feature film... The majority of feature films are between 90 and 210 minutes long.





Lately, the movie theater parking lots have been packed.  The World loves movies. We love movies...Movies transcend boundaries...

Why?


We love stories, We crave them... And they don't have to mimic Mary Poppins for us to love them... But they gotta make us feel... We crave feeling as much as breathing... Some people try to push those feelings away... It's OK to need to feel... In fact, it's a beautiful thing.

We love movies because by the end- the entire World is put right...

If our life was a movie, Greyson would be talking after one hour and 54 minutes...



Parker would in fact, NOT have super powers but we would FOR SURE think he did for the first 1 hour and 50 minutes and then BOOM... In a climatic whirl of an ending, he would turn out to be completely and fully Typical... and we would be watching-- on the edge of our seats with tears streaming down our face... and I would have come to grips with the true meaning of Life...that it was hard...but it was brilliant...and it could only be both or neither...

And I would have Changed the World in an instant...

One hour and 54 minutes...Infertility is resolved...divorced is settled...The overweight get skinny, the sick are healed... True Love is discovered.... and people always made the right choices and pick the right path...

No wonder we love movies so much... Because real Life isn't fixed in one hour and 54 minutes...Real Life is slow...and painful at times... and painfully slow at times too... Real life has many many days and moments of boring...of hard... of confusion and sad...It can be grueling... It's not glamorous.... Real people don't always make the right choices or wear cute clothes and have good hair. The bad guys don't always get it in the end and the good guys don't always win...

Or do they? I think they do...I think you're a good guy and the fact that you are helping me change the world by sharing this blog...means the whole wide world to me and my whole family...

Christmas was really good... We missed my family in Missouri- but we got to talk to them on the phone and open lots of care packages and gifts. Thank goodness for Facetime and phones and texting- which helps keep us all glued together. I am so grateful for my loving and supportive Family.

I am also so insanely grateful for the friends we have made here that have adopted us and made us feel like family... I didn't feel lonely at all this Christmas...






Doodle's favorite toy...


.

We had fun playing with our toys...



Grey's favorite... a flying helicopter... Watching him watch it is my favorite gift... (OK that and my Macbook pro from Santa Michael... )









We watched movies...


And cuddled...



Because we are crazy about happily ever after...


We believe in happily ever after still... and if we do--then you can too...

So much Love,
Chrissy

merry christmas

Today was a cold, dark, rainy, turtleneck sweater- take a nap at noon kind of day. At least I hope it was because that's what I did. 


If you are three and your name is Greyson, it was a --who cares if I'm soaking wet this is fanfrickingtastic? kind of day.








Brrrrrrr......




Christmas 2006... What did you do? What did you wear? What did you give? What did you get? Did you have turkey or ham or lasagna? Was everything perfect and Merry and bright? 

See- you don't remember... You have no clue... You are sitting there with a scrunched up face trying to remember the details... The Details will get drowned out by feelings and none of the little things will matter. Don't be stressed...Don't you dare fret if the details aren't perfect...Just relax and enjoy the process...enjoy the people you love- give them the gift of a happy you... 

They don't remember the cooking, the cleaning, the parties, the planning or the number of gifts they received... They mostly remember the time spent with you and the magic...




Except for Baby Love and Touch, I remember very few gifts I received as a child...but I do remember getting dressed up to go to Church as a family...I do remember my Dad making a special Christmas breakfast...I do remember having time to enjoy my new loot before having to rush off anywhere... 

What do you remember most?
____________________________________

They say oil and water don't mix...but they do in brownie batter...The holidays can get stressful- family and in laws and all that stuff...turn your situation into Brownies, Friend...so much better than plain old oil and water...






I haven't even thought about wrapping- but the shopping is all done. Shew. Lots of shopping reminded me of how good I am at buying stuff...

It's never enough though. Enough stuff. Enough is never enough. I can't remember the last time I had enough of something. Workout clothes, shoes, groceries, time, sleep, coffee, beauty stuff, alone time, camera stuff, kid stuff (except toys...somehow we always have too many toys). The more stuff I get- the more stuff I want. I want to fill up a big bag with stuff to fill the hole that stuff probably created in the first place. 

This Holiday I'm gonna try really really hard to be enough and to have enough...just the way I am. Join me?

I think to the times I've been happiest in my life... Not the quick burst of happy that shoes or a shirt or lotionbrings... But an honest to goodness real happy lightness in my chest...


And it is times like yesterday... 

Greyson can't say "G" or "K" sounds. 

He substitutes D's for G's -For example- He says his name is Day. 

And T's for K sounds...Lightening McQueen is a Tar... 

Michael took Grey to speech therapy last week and came home with tongue depressors for an at home activity to help him rewire his mouth movements. You put the stick behind his top two teeth at the top of his mouth so he is forced to keep his tongue down when he talks. 


I was so excited to try it but I wasn't expecting much...


What's your name?  I asked him.

And for the first time ever, I heard him say words that I could understand... They were crystal clear...

Grey... 

Grey- say car... 

Car... 

It was so crazy- hearing his perfect little voice saying perfect little words...Like- Here's a million dollars- and enjoy the fireworks in your back yard- and by the way-have you lost weight?- kind of Magic... That kind of happy lasts so much longer than the happy you get from stuff. It's the best kind of happy...

It was awesome... I was screaming- HE SAID HIS NAME!!! I UNDERSTOOD HIM!!! HE SAID HIS NAME!!!! 






And he was so happy that I was so happy that I got happy all over again...


My cheeks still hurt...


I realized something over the weekend, and it's pretty important so I'm gonna share it with you... 

I am a gay man. I am a black woman. I am an elderly Christian lady... I am a Freshman in college... I am a tough guy...I'm divorced... I've never been married... I only have typical children. I have kids with super powers. I don't have any children. I am happy. I am sad.  I am different...yet we are the same...

These are the folks that read this blog...that read these words and relate...We all relate. I wonder-- how that is possible- all of us being so different --yet so much the same?...and suddenly the purpose of Life gets so much clearer for just one second... And so often I come to the conclusion that we actually aren't so different.... you and me... And many of us want the same things... And that makes me happy.

I want to ask for something from you for Christmas Holiday... If you aren't already a Member of Life With Greyson + Parker- click on the blue bar on the right that says, Join This Site (from a computer). 

Merry Christmas from the entire Kelly family to you and yours. You are quite a gift to us.

Much Love,
Chrissy

it's beginning to look a lot like christmas

How is it that when 8:30pm rolls around I am one million times more exhausted than my 3 year old? I don't get it- shouldn't he need gads more sleep than me?

This is us- right now- as I begin to type these words...and this is us pretty much every night starting at 8pm. That's his nook- between my legs... I'm crazy happy I get to be a nook.



He fights bed time-- and I long for it...

Oh to be 3...

The other day I was thinking about you 20-something year olds... I was thinking I should tell you to take loads of pictures now while you are young and fabulous. You may look back at them and make fun of your hair or your clothes- but you will have forever documents of how fantastic you are...

But then I smiled because I bet there are some of you 50-somethings...thinking that us 39 year olds should take loads of pictures now while we are young and fabulous...and some 60-something year olds that would say the same to you 50 year olds...

Always remember- there's someone that thinks what you have is pretty darn fabulous...even if you don't.

Tonight I went for a run with my walk therapy friend... It's when we get it all out.  We went past a grade school nearby and I said- Man- I could totally redo grade school. I would seriously rock it a second time around... I wouldn't even consider worrying about the things I worried about then...Time gives us that gift in retrospect. I'd also love to enlighten the other students...

Pssstt-- hey- you... You're what the World calls a geek. Maybe the other kids make fun of you now- but in the real World geeks rule the Universe...You are quirky and cool and will make tons more money... Well done you... And Miss Popular over there?... She'll peak at 14 and then go work at the Dairy Queen. When she's my age she'll be boring and ugly. When you grow up perfect and beautiful you aren't forced to grow a sense of humor or a personality...

What would you tell your grade school you if you could go back in time?

_____________________

I love that all of you could relate to yesterday's post on the stupid quest for perfection...

Like me- while you were reading it you were nodding your head saying, Yes, yes, yes! 
And like you- I was like- PERFECTIONISM is TERRIBLE!!! It's gonna end with 2012 because I'm gonna QUIT it.

But today when it was actually time to put words to action, I totally screwed it up...

It's one of those types of things...

No- you go first...

No- you...then I will.... I swear... But you go first. 

I had an awesome opportunity to go first today and I totally mucked it up.

Tomorrow I'm going to a Cookie Party... I decided that I would bring a St. Louis favorite- Gooey Butter Cookies...




Thank goodness you can NEVER take the Missouri out of the girl. I was already at Trader Joe's this morning and didn't want to have to stop by another grocery store to get the yellow cake mix that the recipe calls for- so I just grabbed the Trader Joe brand Vanilla Cake mix... doubled the recipe and made lots and lots of cookies...



Now Gooey Butter Cookies don't look that pretty- but that doesn't matter once you taste them because they are amazing... But the Trader Joe's cake mix Gooey Butter cookies didn't look pretty OR taste good... or as Michael said it best--- They don't taste bad... Who wants to be the girl who brought the cookies that don't taste bad?!



So later this evening I asked Michael to go to the grocery store to pick up more ingredients to remake the cookies- and then I remade them with the right yellow cake mix...and I was so relieved when I tasted the first batch out of the oven and they were just right...

And I was happy....

But exhausted... and annoyed...and didn't enjoy the cookie making process the second time around AT ALL...I totally did it for other people...so they didn't think I was a bad cookie maker... because suddenly being a good cookie maker was important to me.

Someone needs to go first....Quit perfectionism in action not just words... I screwed up today but I'm gonna try again until I get it perfect just right.

_________________________________

Today Greyson had his Holiday Party at school.

I walked in and watched him create...



And a few minutes in- he noticed me... It's the little things that help me get by.



His Teachers He made me a gift that made me cry...



And watching him lick frosting off a gluten-dairy-soy free cupcake pretty much rocked my World. (Thanks for making them, SM!)






I knew that being a Mom was gonna be good...but I had no idea it could be this good...

And this scary and horrible and wonderful and amazing... all rolled into one...

________________________________________

Good tidings of Comfort and Joy, my friend...

lucky 13

I had a nerve block early this morning and unfortunately I already know it was a bust.  I'm pretty sure it was number 4 -and we are out of vertebrae to block in my neck...




If you are new to this joint- I've had a headache every day since June... I have some irritated nerves in my neck that is causing the pain but they have yet to find the right one. That's all I'll say about that because people complaining about being in pain is so boring. I won't do that to you, friend.  Next step is Botox in the muscle or an Epidural. You better believe I'm gonna tell the Doc how badly my forehead furrow and my crows feet hurt too...You can't blame a 39 year old for trying...



I am grateful that my headache is now only a 3 on the pain scale after ibuprofen- so until it is fixed- it is livable. Yes, I'm sick of it. Yes, I want it gone. I'm tired of these stupid appointments... But for the most part it doesn't bother me physically- unless I think about it... then it really bothers me...so it actually bothers my mind- more than my body.


Today after the procedure,  I tried to take it easy... It was the perfect opportunity to work on a family photo book from 2012.

My files are already organized by year and month, so I just went through exporting my favorites from each month... It was like This is You Life made just for me... And maybe it's the grumpness from the nerve block- but I must say- I wasn't all happy and filled with nostalgic bliss while I recollected...


Wow... 2012 was hard as heck friend... So much of it was survival mode... I feel like I am always waiting to take that breath of relief when things lighten up...but it looks like I'm just going to have to go and take it- despite the lack of lighten...

Holy gray hair... In the past single year it's gone from a few here and there- to waaay more than that...
I've earned my stripes friend. Can I get an Amen for hair color? Are we allowed to Amen hair color? I'm gonna go ahead and say Yes...

But just for fun- I Google'd hair color and the Bible and of course I found something because Google has an answer for everything...no matter which side you are on...

The glory of young men is their strength: and the beauty of old men is the gray head. Proverbs 20:29

There is no mention of glory and beauty and gray and women, only men--therefore, the Bible is clearly in support highlights and gray coverage for Ladies. Shew- It's been 12 weeks since my last appointment... I think it's time.

But 2012 also held so much good...and it's so easy to overlook that... I started to share this blog on January 19th of last year.... Practically a year ago... You and I met --and you reminded me that I'm not alone in my happy, my sad, my good and my bad... my longing to feel alive... I truly believe that pain is always better than numb because it means that you have something to fight for...

I've never taken so many pictures in one year in my Life...both personally and professionally...And I just keep loving it more and more...



And loving them more and more and more too... especially now- when they are sleeping and quiet and my mind has been brainwashed from the tough of the day.


I also discovered a deep love for a long lost friend-- writing.

I've met so many new friends and strengthened existing relationships... And each day I've learned more and more about how I want to Mom...

I was just thinking- what do I want to accomplish in 2013? But you know what? As of today...I have no fricking clue... Today I'm just staying afloat...maybe tomorrow I'll learn some fancy strokes...

2013 is gonna be a good one... It might even be Lucky I think...


While I was waiting my turn in the Procedure Room today I was reading through this book...



I haven't found it to be a book that I enjoy reading straight through because there is some that doesn't speak to me... However there are morsels throughout that DO speak to me- LOUDLY, and I want to share some with you here...

What perfectionism isn't:

• Perfectionism is not the same as striving for excellence. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth. Perfectionism is a defensive move. It's the belief that if we do things perfectly and look perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgement, and shame. Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around, thinking it will protect us, when in fact it's the thing that's really preventing us from being seen.

• Perfectionism is not self-improvement. Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval. Most perfectionists grew up being praised for achievement and performance (grades, manners, rule following, people pleasing, appearance, sports). Somewhere along the way, they adopted this dangerous and debilitating belief system: "I am what I accomplish and how well I accomplish it. Please. Perform. Perfect." Healthy striving is self-focused: How can I improve? Perfectionism is other-focused: What will they think?

• Perfectionism is not the key to success. In fact, research shows that perfectionism hampers achievement. Perfectionism is correlated with depression, anxiety, addiction, and life paralysis or missed opportunities. The fear of failing, making mistakes, not meeting people's expectations, and being criticized keeps us outside the arena where healthy competition and striving unfolds.

One last little sparkly gem for you dear friend- sticking with the Perfectionism theme...

From the book Happier at Home by Gretchen Rubin...

I remind myself, "Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good." (Cribbed from Voltaire). A twenty-minute walk that I do is better than the four-mile run that I don't do. The imperfect book that gets published is better then the perfect book that never leaves my computer. The dinner party of take-out Chinese food is better than the elegant dinner that I never host.

Go out there today and give it your all... Screw that- give it your half...and be proud... Practice being imperfect... I dare you.

brave new world

The lights were brilliant and so bright they actually hurt my eyes... Everything was foreign to me...the street signs, the cars, the buildings... the smells hung heavy in the air...a mixture of fish and scooter exhaust and other things I couldn't pinpoint.



I was walking down a street alone in Shinjuku- one of the busiest places in Tokyo...

Amplified and so intensely loud, sounds reverberated in my ears causing an echo that almost made me dizzy-making it difficult to think clearly. All I could focus on was how thirsty I was...how long it had been since I had eaten. I don't speak a bit of Japanese and unfortunately- everyone around me didn't speak a lick of English.

So I searched. I searched for anyone that could help me. Anyone that looked like they might understand me. Anyone that could help me get my needs met. We are not talking about a need to be found smart or funny or totally on the ball. Not a need for self-actualization, to express my feelings or to feel understood. Basic needs, Friend... Survival mode was kicking in.

Excuse me. Do you speak English? I would ask to confused faces shaking their head in confusion, their hands high in the air. Then they would get too close to my face, staring deep in my eyes in a way that made me instantly uncomfortable. I pulled back, desperate to regain my personal space as they inched closer and closer. What are they looking at? Why are they doing that? I wondered. I knew I was in danger. They spoke slowly and loudly- as if enunciating would help me understand. I felt like I was going to lose it. They didn't understand me. And the more I didn't understand them- the more frustrated they seemed to get with me. LIKE IT'S MY FAULT. Yelling louder and gesturing wildly. Why are they so angry? Don't they understand I have no idea what's going on? Don't they know how hard this is for ME?

I realize I can figure out every tenth or so word. I try to respond but suddenly my mouth just won't work. The wrong sounds keep coming out! Wuba, woo doo doo doo- I don't even know what I'm saying. I'm trying to ask for help and I can't even do that. I'm shaking and don't know how much longer I can take the assault of my senses. Please God, I beg, just let me find one person who understands me.

The smells. The lights. Every touch against my skin feels like a burn. I can't survive like this.


Too much time goes by...and I am wandering and scared... I wish there was a door to my sanity somewhere. A portal that could take me to a reality not so painful and so completely out of my element... My heart is pounding... Please...someone help me- I repeat. Finally I just started to cry...and people walk by me as if I do not exist. So I started to yell and scream at the top of my lungs, slamming my fists against my head to stop the fear from swallowing me.




This is my son Greyson. He has autism and he can't speak. Sometimes I think he is trying to talk to me- but I have absolutely no clue what he is saying and that kinda breaks my heart. I often imagine what Life must feel like for him. Whatever it takes I will do everything I can to make life easier for him.

I've never actually been to Japan... but I imagine being Autistic would feel something like I described above. He lives a lot of his Life inside his own head. I do everything I can to help Greyson bridge the gap and feel like part of this World since I can't go there.

I have to work hard to get Greyson to even look me in the eyes...








He always makes it worth my while.

I think about how important words are to me, not only to get my daily needs met but to express how I feel. How I feel is everything...and being able to express myself to others is a necessary release.

I imagine how bare Life would feel without any words.


It's hard to imagine a day without Grey. He reminds me that every little thing is possible and that true joy is experienced most often in regular old every day moments. He reminds me how important it is to adapt--he actually shows me how to do that one.

I still have lots to learn.

-------------------------------------------------------

I got a text from a friend today asking me for my address.


   I loved your xmas card...but you are way too on top of things. Just getting around to this:)

I instantly let out a deep belly laugh after reading on top of things... It's funny the things we do --and the impression it may give off... Of course I would LOVE to be the gal who is always on top of things... But I'm totally not her.

But as I always say- NO ONE DOES IT ALL... We just do some of the things... but then other people see the some of the things we do and assume we have everything together to the same extent...but we all have things we are good at...and we all have things that we suck at... EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US...

Part of the reason for the belly laugh? We just got our tree up today... December 18th. That's funny- right?







So not on top of that tree thing. I even had to google how to put a ribbon on a tree because I had no clue--and we ran out because apparently 25 feet doesn't go too far.  Like most things that I put off and then get mad at myself for- I finally got a gust of energy and it just happend in one fast whirl tonight.

Have a great day, my Friend. Have fun doing some of the things... don't worry about getting them all done. That just doesn't exist.

Love,
Chrissy