keep jumping

I feel a faint cloud over Holidays... Not a downpour... but gray skies for sure.

I think each year will get easier. The sad lingers less each time... I'm working at no expectations but it's going to take some practice... I kind of suck at it right now.

Easter ended at 10AM at our house.  I was done trying to force Greyson to partake... Not that he understood - Look what the Bunny left... I mean - can you imagine?  I'm trying my damndest to help him make sense of the World... a World he finds so confusing due to Autism... and a life sized rabbit leaving eggs with candy really doesn"t make sense to me... not sure how I would explain that one...

I'm pretty sure I was yelling - PICK UP EGG!!! PUT IN BASKET!!! at this point.

Parker was also not interested in hunting for eggs... 

Greyson- Jesus has risen from the dead so let's go celebrate the Resurrection by looking for eggs a human sized bunny left in our yard... Oh- and by the way- he's not real... The Easter Bunny that is- not Jesus... 

After a couple of minutes (of getting yelled at to look for eggs) he just wanted to go inside... 

In a huff, I gathered up the eggs from the yard, consolidated the boys baskets and put the rest of everything out of sight. Out of mind then too- right? 

Me, Cynical? Noooo....well maybe...but just for today...

But guess what? We are still going to do holidays at our house... Because they celebrate something much bigger than Santa and Chocolate bunnies... And when I remember that- the big picture- it doesn't sting so bad... 

And the day wasn't all bad...not at all once I decicided it wasn't Easter anymore... 

Parker and I played in the water puddles created from our neighbors drive way car wash... 

And my heart soared when Parker said ball so perfectly...twice... we withhold objects to try to get Parker to repeat a word...Parker- do you want the ball? Say Ball... He makes noises that I think he thinks sounds like what he's supposed to say- but actually just sounds like aihreihrishjfd... But this time it was totally ball... 

And I even Car in the bath when we were getting clean... And it felt better than Easter it was so good... 

We are so grateful for Teacher Amber and her mad patience and speech skills... Way to go Parker and Amber! 

And it was a good day because there was jumping... lots and lots of jumping... 

Just keep jumping... 
____________________________

I hate it when someone asks me a question and I have absolutely no idea of the answer. A question like- What's your phone number? I pause- heart beating rapidly... 

I'm sorry...What was that? I ask- pretending not to have heard so I can buy time... 

It happened when I for an MRI on my neck a few months back. The tech asked- What kind of music do you like? 

Ummm - music?  I couldn't think of one single song, let alone one that I liked.  Finally I thought of a song - Happy Birthday? No - don't say that... I don't know - I think I like emo, I said... I think that's what it's called. 

I was referring to a style of music - like Emotional/Singer songwriter.  I got onto the bed of the MRI, I was strapped into place and was then moved into the tunnel... The Technician gave me instructions - I wasn't supposed to swallow during each scan - shich usually lasted 2-3 minutes... I was barely breathing as to not shake the machine...

And then the music started - and it was screaming angry punk music... Emo must also sound like some random Punk band... and suddenly it got harder to breathe... All I could feel was ice cold panic.  The air was stale... I couldn't move... I couldn't swallow away the fear in my throat.  I felt like I was going to die.  I wanted to jump up but I was enveloped by the machine.  I wanted to stretch and flail my legs and spread my toes and just start screaming -- I need out!!  Get me out!!  But I mind over mattered myself through and didn't think about it again until this past Saturday when I went to get a MRI of my shoulder.

The Technician asked what music I liked... Oh No - This hard question again?  Why didn't I do my homework?  How did I gorget about this?

I looked so confused... Um... I like Dave Matthews... type stuff... Um... something mellow... I had a really bad experience with some violent punk stuff last time...
I laid on the bed and was velcro'ed down... I was told not to move my right hand... and my hands started shaking... and the machine was so loud - banging and clicking, ringing and vibrating... Deep breaths... And all of a sudden I tought back to Greyson at a birthday party a week prior...

Holy shit, this is exactly how he felt I thought.  We were at Pump It Up - an indoor arena with wall to wall bounce houses and slides... A dream for most kids... But it was a nightmare for Greyson and many Autistic kids with overly sensitive sensory experiences... I was pitch black in the room with the only lighting being emitted were from glow sticks strobe lights and chasing colored beams...

The sound of music and children squealing penetrated the air... Greyson instantly had a fight or flight response... Michael was holding him and he strated thrashing to break free as if his very life depended on it... And for all the times I have no idea what I'm doing in Parenting - this very moment I knew exactly what to do... And I took his little body and held him tight... and we wend and sat on the floor up against a wall away from the action... I could feel his heart pounding... and he was pointing towards the door telling me - OUT! OUT! And there was a part of me that thought - Just relax and deal little dude... it will get easier... It's not a big deal... just some pretty lights... We are going to sit this through... And there was another part of me that thought - This is too hard for both of us - we should just go... But we made it over that terrible hump and we stayed.

But all of the sudden in this MRI maching I felt his pain... and it was a big deal... and although not rational - his feelings are real... and I will always challenge him to go outside his comfort zone - but I will try and remember how it feels to feel so completely scared and overstimulated...

And while in the MRI, without moving a muscle, cool tears ran out the corner of my eyes... because I was so amazed and proud of my son... sometimes it just makes my heart ache... and if Greyson can do hard things - things that scare the very Life out of him... than so could I...

And... so... can you...

ughhh

Tonight's post is short... 

It started out much longer but when I was proofing it I thought- This is crap... I can't publish this- and so I just erased half of it... 

I am tightly wound...It helps me keep things in check...it fuels my exercise... it creates razor sharp schedules...it helps me get things done... But the bad thing is- when you are tightly wound it's easier to snap and unravel. I am practicing being flexible- just not tonight when it comes to my writing... It's really hard for me. Rolling with unexpected schedule changes... dealing with too much conflict... I crave routine... which isn't horrible because it really is great for children...but sometimes I must practice being flexible in real ways. Giving my boys routine and schedule is a terrific gift... but teaching Grey and Parker to roll with the punches is an even greater one and a skill that will make them resilient. Life always throws out curve balls...I gotta teach them to bat... I like that... Rolling with change. Loosely wound with room for tether.




Today the Universe was not in my favor. Today the Universe laughed at me while I cried. Today was so hard for no real specific reason. No one died. Today I felt confused and misunderstood and ugly and fat and ate chocolate.  (Ladies- you feel me).


Parker was so crabby...



And only felt understood by his Dinosaur...


Today it wasn't sunny in Philadelphia and no one loved Raymond. Today I didn't even have a glass and I was pissed that some people had half full ones. Today I could only think of today, because for one second I thought- how can I do this for the rest of my life?- and that was incredibly too much....

But darn it pictures...I look back at you and you must be lying because now I can't stop smiling...












Belle just wasn't feeling it...


But that's OK because Jack came through...



Happy Easter from every single one of us... 


Love,


Chrissy

Enough happy to go around

Life...

Some things we have absolutely no control over...

Some things...

No one can control but us...

And it's up to us to realize which is which so we can create a happy Life...




Watching him watch the trash truck...It just never gets old. And I'm amazed at how happy trash trucks make him and even more amazed at how happy they make me now...happy is highly contagious. Today I was driving on the freeway all by myself when suddenly I saw a trash truck up ahead... I sped up so I could get closer- like it was a celebrity or something...and I drove by with a big stupid grin all over my face...

Yes, Happy...


Parker even got in on the truck watching action...

God LOVE HIM!!! We are working on pointing in speech therapy and in real Life... It's often something that has to be specifically taught to kids on the Spectrum and is a skill that usually comes naturally for Typical littles... and although Parker now gets that he is supposed to isolate his finger- he doesn't really point at anything specific...He just points his finger emphatically up in the air and starts babbling like crazy-going on and on passionately... I swear he's a politician giving a speech.




But today... As the truck went down the street- Parker pointed oh so appropriately and made my day...He gave me enough happy to go around...



Today the Universe was conspiring in my favor.. The greatest babysitter in town for Spring Break, and therefore, a sushi lunch with a Friend.




Today I totally broke my routine...I did something I never ever do- and it felt so good I'd say it was outrageous... Taking me time is a requirement in many recipes for happy...

I even had a few extra minutes afterwards to go shoe shopping.




I thought these heels were cute...in a slutty -not really me but wouldn't it be fun -kind of way...but they would probably look a little odd with my yoga pants playing with the kids at the park...The other Moms might stare.

So I didn't find any shoes...but like Alfred Lord Tennyson said- It is better to have shoe shopped and not bought- than never to have shoe shopped at all...or something like that...

Even though I was empty handed leaving the shoe place- I certainly found some loot at the toy store a few doors down...



No shoes for me but toys for the kids--and STILL happy....my how times have changed...

Well done Wednesday...

And today's happy certainly wasn't due to an absence of chaos. Parker was a sweet and hilarious yet crank bomb teether...and Grey would scream and yell every time I gave him the wrong thing, turned the wrong way or said no... So often that by the end of the night I wanted to put both hands in the air clenched into fists and just start yelling...

SHUUUUTTTTT UUUUUUPPPP!!!
SHUUUUTTTTT UUUUUUPPPP!!! 
SHUUUUTTTTT UUUUUUPPPP!!!


If I make a wrong turn with the stroller- like not towards the park- sometimes- he will just start screaming..like tonight...

But since sometimes I do care what others think- I did not in fact yell Shut Up at the top of my lungs... I don't want the neighbors to call Child Services on me.

And while we were on that very same walk this evening, Life brought me inspiration... and I was lucky enough to receive it...

All the ducks started out on one side of the pond- and then all at once went together to cross to the other side...



It reminded me that we can do hard things...when we are together...


Aint that the truth? Thanks for crossing the pond with me Friends...


Quack quack,
Chrissy

Like us on Facebook...Guaranteed Free Happy

hope for the future

Yesterday I was at the grocery store by myself. I had the rare opportunity to be aware of my surroundings. As I was going through the aisles- I heard it... A voice that sounded so familiar although I know I have never heard it before...and if this Mother and Son weren't checking out at the same time I was- I would have never even created thought about that voice- I just would have stored it away forever.

This boy was probably about 12 years old... And he was intent on using an electronic hand held device to scan each item separately- although they could have been slid across the flat scanner much faster and easier. And this boy was quietly and without expression enjoying the process so much I could feel it in the air. And as their groceries cascaded down to the self bagging area, he brought a small reusable bag and said in that beautiful ever so slightly robotic voice- Mom- should I put all the groceries in one bag? And there were at least 10 bags worth of groceries.

And with Love and patience that was not at all forced she said, You know babe, I don't think it will all fit in there...and he said OK...and in that discussion eye contact was never exchanged...And I was just watching, spellbound... and I can't explain it- but there was just so much love there... And I didn't see it on the shelves when I was walking through the aisles- but I left that grocery store armed with the biggest bag of hope you could imagine.
And I had to slowly slide my sunglasses from the top of my head down onto my nose to hide the hope that was coming out of my eyes.


And I went to the car where I was free to cry...a happy, hopeful cry. And I woke up at 4:50am last night and was suddenly wide awake yet exhausted...And I just started thinking...And one of the stupid thoughts on my brain was- What if insurance doesn't reimburse us for speech therapy for Grey? It's $85 extra each week. How can we afford to go forever? 

And suddenly I remembered this story about this boy at the grocery store...this communion I had witnessed...and I felt peace wash over me...and I don't know why- it wasn't even the boy's ability to speak. It was the normalness of it all. The Love I felt from the Mom. The way he followed her around the store safely- and never tried to run to the front quickly and dangerously to watch the automatic doors open over and over again like it was a ride at Disney land...I didn't see the Mom unshowered and breathless with hands shaking running through the store to find her son, silently thanking God he hadn't run into the parking lot while cursing herself for letting him practice walking freely in the store and then turning her back for a second. 

He just scanned their items...beep beep beep. 

There is no doubt in my mind that he was calm, yet happy. And I realized then- if Greyson never speaks I will be OK. I just felt it. I just knew it. Because I saw someone else's present which could be my future...and I realized with hope- we will live through all of this. That could be us in ten years. Things won't always feel this chaotic. 

And although I wanted to, of course I didn't say anything to the Mom...What was I supposed to say- Excuse me- Does your son have Super Powers? I think he might because mine has them too. I've had a few people tell me they could tell Greyson was Autistic when they saw him and I just find that such an uncomfortable thing to hear. I mean- To me he totally comes off as Autistic- with his tantrums and flapping hands and lack of speech...and we clearly have nothing to hide...but he also works his damndest all day long to assimilate to this Typical World- so the more he stands out for Austistic reasons- the more I recognize how much he still has to overcome. My hope is that people notice my child...not the Autism.

Tonight we went to the park because it was already witchy by 4:30pm. I drove the long way there because broomsticks can't keep up with cars- and the silence and containment of the boys while in the car was just so delicious.... 




We went to Woodward Park to walk around, chat with the ducks and play at one of the playground areas. 







Sorry Doodle -I don't think so mister... not getting in the water this time... Swamp thing happend just one week ago tonight... 




Parker, eating dirt...





And I must admit at times I was on my cell phone while the kids were playing. And I've read articles and blogposts on how important every moment with them is-how we should work to be a handsfree Mom- and how we shouldn't waste precious time on our phone while they are growing up so quickly right before our eyes...




Oh- but I assure you- I was not wasting the moments. I needed them to stay sane. If I soaked up every fricking moment I would overflow. Sometimes my kids need the park- and sometimes I need my phone.  Some days I am just fresh out of carpe'ing. I need to zone out and connect with the outside World... I looked at an article my neighbor sent me, I forwarded a recipe to my friend Wendy, I sent a text thanking Cynthia who left me and the boys dinner on our doorstep...


Thank you, Cynthia...you spoil us! Thank you for sharing your gifts with us.


And I needed to be on my phone to choose love for my friend Nick and anybody else that wants it. 






So here's the deal... I'm all seized out and it's been a damn long Diem- so in just going to mentally check out here if you don't mind...And so I did... They played and I phone'ed. I am plugged into my sons...I love to watch them play. I know time goes by so fast- but sometimes I just need to zone out with my phone. I'm confident that doesn't make me a bad Mom. 


Ahhh...look, we've finally conquered the day, Friend... And it's capped off by this beautiful moon that we both get to share...



Have a great day....


Love,
Chrissy

in search of inspiration

I like to say, Life is good and Life is hard. And it can either be both or neither. 


It's my motto for 2013. And when I'm smack dab in the middle of a hard part- and I'm complaining to the inside of my head, saying- This hurts- this is so hard- I don't want to do this- why is this happening? I say---Shhhh- it's OK...Life is good too. Just not right this second...It's really good...You wouldn't know good if you didn't also experience hard.




Where do you find inspiration? 

I think many of us look for it within...and when we don't find it- we think we are broken and empty. Over the past year- at least for me- I have learned that inspiration is actually on the outside- and it is up to me to bring it in....And that certainly doesn't make me broken- it makes me an Inspiration Seeker. I pretty much need it to survive. I read these musing from Donald Miller- one of the smartest guys on Earth who wrote one of my favorite books on Earth and I said- Ahhhh Ha!!!! I feel the same way...Thank you for putting it into words for me...


We are Inspiration vessels. Waiting like baby birds to soak up stories and words and bible verses and quotes and Life...every day real Life. We all need to be inspired...And it's not just the story, but the combination of the story and something inside of us. We feel that connection in a story we can see ourselves in- or maybe a story we could never imagine. Inspiration is everywhere- scattered throughout Life for every one of us- waiting to be discovered... 

I get so much inspiration from Greyson. He helps to beat the OCD out of me- it will never go away- but at least it is tinier. Greyson helps me to remember what is important. He has helped me redefine failure. Failure is simply not trying.  He's helped me realize that perfect can also mean flawed at the same....and now I use Perfect with an implied for me afterwards. Perfect (for me). 

Greyson helps me see that we can say so much without any words. He has helped me get better at uncomfortable conversations. He's helped me realize that sometimes deep breaths or a bath or a good night's sleep or chocolate or a good cry can fix almost anything. He's helped me see beauty in the unexpected. 

Beauty beauty beauty. Beauty is all around. Before- in my past life- when I was so much less busy than I am now- I still somehow didn't have time to see the beauty. And now that my heart has stretched so far on the side of pain- it has also stretched so far on the side of beauty that sometimes I can't believe I was chosen to be this lucky.




Right before bed moments with Parker is a Prayer...his baby soap smell and soft cool cheeks...His baby fine hair tickles my nose. I breath him in and for that instant- everything in the World is right.


I certainly don't have it all figured out. I never will. But sometimes when it is late at night and you and I are chatting- it just all makes sense. We are so hard on ourselves. I believe striving for perfection is the death sentence to Happy...I still do it sometimes- but I work at not doing it daily. It's one of the ways I exercise my brain. Your brain needs exercise too. 



Today I decided to bring Greyson with me on a later afternoon Doctors appointment. Nothing sounded worse at the time -but how is he supposed to learn how to act appropriately in public if I don't give him opportunities to try? So, armed with some heavy Starbucks caffeine- we made our way to Sierra Pacific Orthopedic...

We took the 3 flights of stairs so I could tire him out...











Three flights of  stairs---Four different times...until I realized he was actually tiring me out... 



You're so sneaky, Grey.





So then we moved our little game to the elevator...His choice...







He did so good. He kept himself entertained while I spent time with the Doctor...








And we both left happy... Score...


He did so good on the way home I even stopped by the grocery store...Now that I am a stay at home Mom I have my degree in Grocery Shopping...Honor roll...




Regular old every day Life is always my favorite.



___________________________

Every time you berate yourself for making a mistake you are essentially berating yourself for not being perfect. Every time you get mad that you are not perfect- you teach others-including your children- that perfection is good and everything else is bad. We must learn to see mistakes as nothing more than attempts made. We always have a try again in our pocket- ready for a chance.

I remember last year during Greyson's 3:30-5:30 ABA session. That was a tough session- for Greyson and his Teacher. His brain was usually fried. Greyson was working on his colors. He already learned a handful of colors- including red. He was working on purple- but couldn't move past that because he kept confusing purple and blue. I heard his Teacher upstairs... 

Greyson- Point to red. Great job! 
Greyson- Point to red... You are AWESOME!!! 
Greyson- which one is red? FANTASTIC!!!

Over and over again... 

I went into the room to see what in the heck was going on... His Teacher only had the red card out on the table...I was so confused...he totally knew red...He rocked red...All the colors he had learned-including purple were supposed to be on the table so he could randomly select the color he was asked to identify... 

The school psych was visiting our home the next day so I waited to ask her about it. It turns out there is a theory sometimes used in ABA- Grey's special therapy...If a child repeatedly selects the incorrect answer and is getting frustrated- ask the child questions they can easily answer in order to build confidence. Often after a few confidence building attempts- regular therapy can be resumed. 

Fricking brilliant... We all need that... A Friend or a Life episode to teach us confidence when we feel like we are just screwing up over and over...We need someone to point out things that we do know- things we haven't screwed up  to help us feel like we aren't one big giant screw up... I want to help show you how great you already are...



Have a great day. You can do this.



And you can also LIKE Life with Greyson on Facebook.

Big Fat Hugs,

Chrissy