ready for summer

Me day... Tuesday... It's practically the new Friday... So I won't go that far but it was good.

Oh Spin Class, what did I do with myself before I had you to look forward to? Our little group grew... Today there were 4 of us total... And when I saw a new Friend in class my eyes extra lit up... When you are a grown up- A Mom or a Dad or a working person- you don't have the freedom you had in your younger years... Do you want to go grab a beer/coffee/walk is no longer a simple unplanned episode... Therefore- time spent with Friends decreases in frequency but increases in importance...Life gets in way of Life... Life gets in the way of spontaneity... Suddenly spontaneity must be scheduled... Two ideals that are usually mutually exclusive.

But today for just a moment... I was in college...and I was just meeting some gals to work out... It is the little-big things that make my World go round... And the instructor was new and she was NOT Church material... But we all came together... The young and old and big and small and woman and men...and we all pushed pedals with our feet at the same time while we were sweating and breathing and doing something so on purpose for ourselves that it was synergistic...

And I realized why I like Spin so very much...I realized the magic it contains that can't be achieved while running...Somewhere in the middle of Spin- it gets so hard that I can no longer think... I can move and process and feel...but I can't think... Don't forget to buy creamer, my shoulder hurts, that zit on my cheek in big, I like her pants, why does he have ear plugs in? Is speech cancelled Friday? I need to return my orange shirt... After the hump- and somewhere near the middle- I just can't think because all my energy is poured into output...

Sometimes I think I think too much... {pink}

It's why even as a little child I read so many books... My eyes were starving for words and my hands couldn't turn pages fast enough... When I read I fully commit- and it's hard for me to think of other obtrusive outside thoughts while I'm engaged- which is how it should be...and to this day books provide me the sliver of vacation I need to step outside my World for just a little while... Spinning, books and movies gives me a glorious break from the cogs and wheels constantly turning in my head... A head that I love, that serves me well...a mind that feels raw and completely and deeply... So deeply that at times it is too much...and I just need a little break away...

And despite today's class mediocrity- I drove away invigorated... Euphoric even. I want to write an epic business plan for the rest of my life...I want to write and feel and love and clean... I just want to embrace it all...My lungs are bigger and I am breathing deeper...my head is bigger with more room to stretch out...

And since I am such a devoted and continuous thinker- I love the idea of Behavior therapy- not just as the an Autism treatment (which is called ABA- Applied Behavior Analysis) --but for adults... I'm a big fan of therapy... I think everyone should go...

Behavior therapy is a method used by some Licensed Psychotherapists focusing on helping an individual understand how changing their behavior can lead to changes in how they are feeling. Behavior therapy puts the emphasis on your actual specific learned behaviors and works on changing the ones that cause struggle-  instead of analyzing the questions like- why do I do this, what caused it, where is this coming from, how does this make me feel? And so on...

What is one behavior you can change that can bring more happy into your Life? This is not theoretical...this is a pause and answer...

Here's mine... Go to bed earlier... Forever- is too intimidating- so I'm starting with this week... I'm trying to start blogging thoughts earlier in the day to help me go to bed by 10pm. I'm tired of being tired- and I need my energy to fight Autism during the day- so sleep is my change...

We've been potty training a little over a week now... You don't have to ask how it's going-  just assume- slow but good... It took me about 5 months to teach him to say his name- so I'm not expecting anything faster for something as complicated as toilet training... We are going full throttle... Underwear only...We go once an hour...if he doesn't go we try every 15 minutes... We spend a lot of time in the bathroom...



He spends a lot of time in only underwear too...His favorite.










I love Grey for a million new reasons every day. Sometimes when he's hungry he just goes and sits at the kitchen table. I'm hungry- he says, talking to me without talking at all. I will be searching the house, unable to find him...and there he is, patiently waiting at the table for someone to bring him some food. Sometimes I'm certain his inability to speak makes him more enlightened than me.

I talk with words.  Words mean the World to me. My words form a lasso that grabs you. I think that's a beautiful thing- the fact that this word connection here transcends boundaries. I believe in it. I believe that we are all on a journey- a trek really...and along the way we connect with people that we are meant to meet...some face to face and some via nothing more...or less... than words... and I'm grateful to be a part of your journey... Even if we've never met... I believe words can do that...Connect people in a way more authentic than even some face to face relationships...

I remember the first time I felt that... I was reading Enjoying the Small Things- Kelle Hampton's blog when Grey was just a baby...

What are you reading? Michael asked...

My eyes were glued to the screen and crying...A blog...

Whose blog? He asks...

Kelle Hampton, I tell him- not looking away from the screen...

Do you know her? He asks...

No...but I feel like I do...Listen to what she wrote--and then I would read an excerpt with hand over heart and read words so inspiring and awakening and exactly what I was feeling somewhere in my core yet never knew it until the instant I read it...

And he gave me one of those- That's nice dear...and I knew he didn't understand...

Sometimes he'd walk into the room on a different day while I was reading her words again... Are you reading that blog again? He'd ask suspiciously... Ummm...No... No- just a very sad letter from...yes- from an old friend from college... Sad really- her poor dog just died.... Now what should we have for dinner tonight? I would ask to distract him...

Yes, my Friend... Words work wonders and move mountains and create bonds between people in ways that only words can...



Tonight we welcomed the feelings and smells and tastes of Summer...










Cara cara oranges.... so sweet and good...









As the Summer gets closer more fruits and vegetables are ready... Tonight we got just a glimmer- and it was good...



Time to go eat some oranges and get ready for bed now Friend...

Love,

Chrissy

spots

I woke up today with my head heavy and foggy...Pressure in my chest and head and ears...

Allergies...a cold...I don't know what it is but it feels yucky... And I couldn't call in sick so I Mom'ed anyway... And this morning I told myself, Today your best can be 48%...No need for 100... and 110% is certainly out of the question...




Today while Parker was napping-- Grey and I layed by the pool and relaxed...It certainly helped the funk...


This weekend we went to the greatest Birthday party ever... It was at a magical place called Play Land and it was shut down just for the party... Parties can be tricky-- overwhelming, overstimulating experiences for Grey...and getting out the door with Gluten free foods and special cupcakes for the boys always turns into an undertaking--and when they end up hating it- it's so disappointing... But we have to keep trying- so we do...

And parties like this made it all so worth it...

Greyson enjoyed all the rides...




Unlimited rides on the train was Grey's favorite thing in the Universe...



And therefore mine too...

And they just happend to have lots of food that was already Gluten/Dairy/Soy free...



Doodle was in heaven...


The weekend also brought goodness in the form of Parker's first hair cut...




He was thirsty...so resourceful...





I love it...And him...

Afterwards we went mattress shopping... The gal working at the store didn't know what hit her...







I am a big believer in dessert for dinner sometimes, for staying in your jammies late on the weekend and jumping on the bed... It's too fun not too... I would have Grey jump on the beds we liked to see if he approved.




This one was apparently exceptional...



And our weekend ended with a brand new bubble machine... Bubble Machine number 2,365....We burn through them pretty fast...








I wish I liked anything as much as my kids like bubbles... from Knocked up the movie...



The funk + Zyrtec has zapped me of adjectives... Which is OK because what's left is clear and honest.
And perhaps it's because of the funk that I can tell you about the spots... The spots I dare not mention because what a weird thing to write about and even more so- to think about. The spots I do not allude to- because I thought Autism gave me new perspective and made me not care about little unimportant things...the things that I know don't matter in my soul's heart...

But I don't need you to think of me as anyone but me... And sometimes me focuses on things that I know are stupid...but feel very important at times.



Sometimes I get spots of Vitiligo...Vitiligo is a condition where pigment in your skin is lost...there's no apparent reason for it but some connect it to stress... In the past year I went from having a couple of spots to many... And a couple even started to show up on my face...I go to the dermatologist to treat them in the hopes that the pigment will come back... So far- I've had pretty great success... But I was selecting pictures to submit for an article that Central California's Family First Magazine is doing on our Family, and I could see the white spots on my hand in this one and that bothered me... So I tried to erase them in editing--and my hand ended up looking a little like an Alien... So I said screw it and picked another picture.

And today I decided to really say Screw it... The spots aren't my boss anymore...and I knew if I wrote about it- then a light would shine on it...and I won't be scared and in the dark anymore...

And truuuuuusssst me sister...I've been around long enough to know it has nothing to do with the spots... It's a sense of worthiness we need to continue to groom and grow despite our imperfections. It's learning how to love our entire package self...

And I know that you have your spots too... Things that take so much energy to hate... Things that you would be so embarrassed if other people knew how often thoughts of it occupied your mind...

I think that we all work so hard to hide the things we are ashamed from others, but the truth is we desperately want to show people our flaws- get it all out in the open and say- Here is the real me...a Me who isn't perfect... Will you please still love me anyway?

We are desperate to tell the truth and still be loved...

And I don't want you to tell me my spots aren't bad or ugly or terrible... I just want you to understand and to get it because you have a wonky tooth, toe, ear or cousin...

The details are different for all of us... But we are so much the same....

Thanks for reading... I'm so glad you are here...

Love,
Chrissy

the places you'll go

Just today was hard...

Not the whole rest of my Life for forever....

That's what I think in the moment...that the unhappy is my new Life sentence...The fear that things will always feel this hard...That feeling where you know you're failing as a parent...you know you are screaming too much...you know you are making the wrong choices and saying the wrong things in the wrong way- but you're so far committed to the crazy that you just go with it. Tonight I yelled...a lot... I threw an airplane of Grey's on the ground and broke it I was so mad... I ran and hid from Parker because all he wanted was for me to hold him, and I yelled at Grey so much that I even scared Parker...

And at 7pm when the doorbell rang- I swear I thought- Ohmygosh...the neighbors called the police on me for yelling so much...

Shew... Only UPS...

But that gives you an indication of the guilt I must have been feeling... And I was going to go through the details of what made Greyson so impossible... but really-  the details aren't important...not to mention they always sound comical in retrospect...

The details are never important... And chances are the thing that makes us CRA-CRA Crazy is the same thing the same child has done 100 other times when you were in a good mood- and it was fine... It was bearable...You correct the behavior and keep your cool...

Have you ever noticed that?- sometimes when a Friend is telling you about their stressful day-- although you are nodding and interjecting with the appropriate Oh mys... Oh no's...It sounds kind of comical...

Really? She threw gummy bears at her and one got stuck in her hair? Oh my...

The rice burned? Oh no! What did you end up doing?

He spilled an entire glass of juice on the clean floor and wouldn't put his toys away and talked back? That's terrible- Oh no...


PMS'ing and Mom'ing don't mesh well.

I just needed 15 minutes to not be needed today... It would have made all the difference... I laid down in my bed at 5pm and turned on Yo Gabba Gabba... I just needed to lay there... But Parker kept climbing on my head to bounce up and down...He thinks it's hysterical... And so I put a pillow on my head to block him- hoping he would forget I was even under there.... so then he kept knocking on the pillow... Which stands for Open in speech therapy... Good generalization Parker... But please... 
LEAVE ME ALONE... I announce...

All the while Greyson was on my back.... PLEASE GET OFF ME... OFF!!!! OFF!!!! GET OFF!!! And he would walk back and forth... and they both thought it was hysterical as they bounced and walked on me...and now that I type that- I think it is hilarious too...But at the time I was near tears...

Only today was hard... Not forever... And the tough was mostly just in the afternoon and evening... oh-- and some of the morning... OK-so besides the morning, afternoon and evening- today was fine...psshhhhhh...

Today Greyson and Parker had ABA therapy at the ABA place... Once a month each boy has an hour long status meeting-and both meetings were today... I ended up staying the whole morning so I could watch them in action too...


Grey during his meeting...So surfer boardroom ...

These meetings are a good opportunity to see big picture what the boys have been able to accomplish and where they need more work.

I am happy that a lot of ABA is fun for the boys... Not all of it- but a good sized portion...









We went into the reading room and while I was in there I picked up this book...



Can you believe I've never read it before?

I did for the first time today...and I cried...I cried for everything that is and was and will be... I cried for how good I love my boys and I cried for how much they will accomplish in the World... I cried for how much they already have.... They are the greatest story I've ever written... I cried....tears falling down my face... in front of Greyson and his 20-something male Teacher...Me-sitting on the floor, reading and crying...

Apparently Dr. Suess and PMS'ing don't mesh well either...

We rushed back home for the afternoon ABA shift, and things just started to cascade down from there...


So in summary...This evening I was a shitty Mom... I am sometimes...

Instead of feeling guilty- I'm honestly just going to do better tomorrow...



Your mountain is waiting too...




Love,
Chrissy

enough

When it comes to Autism and Greyson and Parker- I never feel guilty that I caused it... I have a peace of mind that this is exactly the story I am supposed to live. And let's say one day Scientists discover the missing link of what causes Autism and it turns out it was something I did- I didn't have a clue or I wouldn't have done it at the time...which is the same as not  really causing it...

Sometimes I hear from other Mothers on a different journey... A journey where they feel so much guilt...and it sometimes keeps them awake at night... What did I do? And they search for answers inside that don't exist...

I'm not going to tell you how to think... but I am going to say I give you permission to never have those thoughts again...to let them go...Maybe you can give yourself that permission too... As with everything in Life- when we are supposed to find out the answers we always do... Not a second before...



Sometimes you write me and say- You are so strong... And when I read that I scrunch my forehead together and purse my lips confused... I think  -I am totally NOT strong because so often I just feel so scared...

I feel scared a lot. Scared I'm too tired to do this- all of it... Scared I will make the wrong choices. Scared when I get sad. Scared I won't do their precious Life justice. I do some of the things I do because I have to...because I don't have a choice... But if that is strong- being scared and doing it anyway... Than maybe I am...  And then just maybe... you are too. Maybe the very presence of scared is necessary to be strong... Sometimes just getting up in the morning is strong...

I'm scared. I'm imperfect. I'm strong.

I think we all just want to be good enough but no one knows what enough is... By definition- enough doesn't even know what enough is.

Enough: Adjective As much or as many as required.


We are a quantitative World. We like specifics. We need those specifics so we can measure ourselves up and fall short. How many is enough? 3? An hour? 400? Is green enough or is blue enough? Is maybe enough or is yes enough?


There is no answer. And then I compare your dinner making to my dinner making and I am not enough... But then you ignore your dinner making ability because you are comparing your picture taking to my picture taking and suddenly you are not enough.


Every single one of us is enough in our special area. Some of us are organized, some of us are laid back, some of us have brilliant perspective, some of us go by the book, some of us are cheftastic, some of us are soft and loving, some of us are strong and efficient... None of us are all those things. It's not possible.

But we are all enough.  Enough is like an Equal balance of opposites. Stop searching for areas you are not enough and pay attention to where you are...




Life isn't about being happy all the time. It's about recognizing the happy when it comes along. Happy  in moments- not entire days... At least not for me. The moment today, when Parker wrapped his little arms around my neck...his fingers felt like butterfly's...that was happy... Laying in the sun reading with Grey by the pool- that was the best kind of happy. Remembering to put the clothes from the washer to the dryer...on the same day- boy that made me happy...singing slippery fish with Grey and his preschool class made me happy...

Going on a early evening walk with the boys was overflowing with happy... It was 85 degrees and warm and breezy... The sun was golden...







Letting them out of the stroller for a little while made them happy...which then made me so happy...










Hearing the tall grass move in the breeze sounded like a symphony of fizzing... It was beautiful.




The view on my left...


And the view on my right going home...



Equal...Beautiful... Opposite... Like all of us...


It's the moments... Just stop and feel the moments that are already happening every day...It's so easy to miss them because they are wedged in the middle of Life...Stressful, messy, busy, beatiful Life... Sometimes I think that is the very essence of what Life is about... Finding the Happy that is already there waiting for you... Discovering the happy amongst the chaos...Find your happy... You've already created it. You've already earned it.


Now go get it.



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abundance

Although I whole-heartedly embrace living an authentic life- there are three times a day that I lie to myself a day. GUARANTEED. It's more like a trick than a lie- but it still isn't the truth. At least I believe my own lies at the time, which must count for something.

By 6pm I feel like a day after binge drinking in college...being a parent is so incredibly hard. I don't understand how tiny humans can be so hard, but they are. Sometimes it's all just so hard...Mom'ing, managing life, marriage... Some days are easy...simple... a breeze... Yet some days are so unbearably incredibly hard.

By 8pm I just want to lay in bed and eat... sweet then salty then sweet again...or sometimes the reverse. I start to write and I want to say profound things like

Tired...hard...salty... green...

I really just want to go to bed in that instant... But I make my fingers dance on the keyboards...And as I start to write and unfold I start to come back to life... I snack, sort of watch TV (Sex & The City rerun on now) and I write...I finish my post and get engrossed in reality TV ... I embrace my alone time...I examine every pore in the mirror and over pluck my eyebrows...I look up favorite quotes, I read...I talk to Google... Google and I took a little break after I realized the whole Autism thing with Grey.... Google only made me sad and scared and overwhelmed and unhappy... If Googling makes you feel any of those things- then STOP...Take a break.

Somehow no matter how exhausted I am all day- when I get a taste of alone time I suddenly want to do everything in the whole entire World right then... I think- this is MORE rejuvenating then sleep...This is EXACTLY what I need... (LIE #1)

And then comes morning... (LIE #2) I am awakened by Parker's cries... If it is before 7am I often turn the baby monitor off... I think a little crying is good for the lungs...I am helping him by rewiring him to not wake up so early...and if I had thoughts the night before about waking up early to work out I decide in that instant that I hate everything about working out... The morning is for sleeping- not working out... I decided that I would rather eat whatever I want and be heavy and not wake up than work out...

And finally- Lie #3... Portion sizes... I almost completely always take a humongous serving of chips or ice cream or candy...I mean like really pile it in there- and trick myself into thinking it is just one cute little serving size if I can fit it in one container.

While Greyson was in Early Intervention -for almost a year- I barely went anywhere from 8-5pm every day except when we went to Speech Therapy... I didn't go to the Dentist or Dr... I didn't work out or go to the mall or grocery shopping...I frequently participated in his ABA therapy sessions or played with Parker...I told myself that if Grey was missing out on the World than so should I... I thought getting a sitter and taking breaks would make me a bad Mom- because Greyson needed me at home...

And it was too much...it was more than too much... I can't explain what that did to me...how suffocated it made me feel... There are times I can't believe I made it out alive and intact... And so when Parker started ABA I lost it... I can't do this again- I cried to Michael...It almost killed me the first time around... This time it will kill me... 

And so we came up with a plan- and now I have guaranteed alone time every Tuesday morning...and because I know how precious that time is- it is a million times more precious... The first thing I do is go to Church... OK- it's actually spin class but it feels like Church...it's cleansing and invigorating and hard and good... And today I went to one of my favorite places on Earth...

The book store... I walk into the front door entry way and I take a deep breath in...and there is something so comforting about that clean pulpy good smell that greets me on arrival...

And today it was like books were shoes- and I just kept seeing more and more that I had to have...



I was so grateful for the abundance of books... Books and caffeine... I can die from happy now...

I'm a million times better Mom when I leave them... I need me time. I need to plug in and recharge... You need alone time too... Especially you working parents...You already feel guilty that you are at work-- so you don't think it's fair for you to take alone time because that's just more time away...

TAKE IT ANYWAY... It makes you better.

There is no one size fits all for happy... But I believe it involves spending time outside, exercising, reading about and doing the things you love and spending time with the people you love...your children, your dog, God, whomever... I think it's that simple...but I think sometimes there are just so many buttons and switches to adjust that we get confused on what we want in the first place...

And tonight we had to go to the mall to take care of my beloved computer...that's my Lifeline to you so it's pretty important...



We are Apple fans all the way...

And as a bonus- we got to play outside in the water...











Thanks for the shirt, Aunt Katie... so perfect for Doodle...and Doodle's Mom...


Ok- I'm especially tired tonight so I am going to try to go to bed early... Right after I eat some icecream...and read... and send a couple of emails... Shoot...I am doing it again...


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