Sometimes I have days, even weeks that time goes by so very slow. For some reason- the past few days have been a blur of fast. Moments of time. I can almost see a flash as one moment passes to the next. Each one necessary to bring us to the right now. The person we are today.
Trash Truck Wednesday of this week went to a whole new level.
It started out regular...
And then went to absolute WOW. We met Frankie at the yard after he was done for the day.
Trucks as far as you could see. He was so happy he was literally shaking with delight. I was holding him as we walked up and I could feel him gleefully shuddering. His whole body- and his face- it looked like awe. He was jumping and flapping delight. Almost on the verge of too much- but not quite. Abundance. Who needs words when you can show how you feel? Show doesn't lie.
And if the past year of amazing and excruciating Life was a movie, this shot would be our closing credits. And he reminds me of just how pure the beauty is in his uncluttered world. Sometimes I honestly want to go to there. Autism. I want to beg God to let me feel what he feels and see the beauty and chaos that fills his mind. I want it to be tangible. Even if it's just a moment, God- I must know so I can understand my boy as fully as any human being can understand another. I think that's one of the worlds greatest gifts- the understanding of each other. I understand how you feel, words that make my soul sigh sometimes. Please God- if you could find a way to take me inside his mind...And since that hasn't happened yet, I must believe I am doing it as right as I can for him. We all must believe in things we can't always feel or see. It's an act in Life.
Our Thanksgiving Holiday was good but for unexpected reasons. It was far from perfect, and possibly because of that- its beauty more evident.
Unfortunately, this was my Thanksgiving feast. I stayed in bed all day long. Isn't it funny when your body knows that it's vacation and you are allowed to get sick. And except for feeling wonky, it was amazing to rest and watch deep old philosophical movies (Legally Blond and Somethings Gotta Give-wink face) for a whole entire day.
Which brings me to tonight... Evenings are a special ritual in my house. I know they are in yours too- even if it is just you. Even if it is just you and you feel unbearably lonely. You set your glasses on the nightstand after reading. You turn to your nightstand to turn off your light. Even if you have no idea of its beauty. It's breathtaking. Even if it is your children asking for one more drink or one more story or I'm hot, I'm cold-- and you are out of your mind annoyed and are just about to hot tea kettle scream all over the place. These things are a gift bestowed on us, the quiet rituals of unwind. The soft cool of our pillow. One day they will be fuzzy memories stored in a chest of painfully good but over and grown. I wish I could come to your house and photograph your nightly ritual to remind you of how much beauty it already contains.
Tonight we watched the movie, Life of Pi which undoes me every time....
Even the quotes wreck me, stopping my breath for a moment...
When you've suffered a great deal in life, each additional pain is both unbearable and trifling.
I read that and want to fall to my knees and ask, How did you know how to say that just so perfectly right? And I want to cry until I can't anymore, and I want those words to wrap around me until their goodness soaks in.
To choose doubt as a philosophy of life is akin to choosing immobility as a means of transportation.
I must say a word about fear. It is life's only true opponent. Only fear can defeat life. It is a clever, treacherous adversary, how well I know. It has no decency, respects no law or convention, shows no mercy. It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unnerving ease. It begins in your mind, always ... so you must fight hard to express it. You must fight hard to shine the light of words upon it. Because if you don't, if your fear becomes a wordless darkness that you avoid, perhaps even manage to forget, you open yourself to further attacks of fear because you never truly fought the opponent who defeated you.
(all three quotes, Yann Martel, Life of Pi)
Every night during our ritual, Greyson stays in the bath...
While Parker gets out first and joins me on the bed as I write. He rolls under the covers with absolute squeals and glee. He climbs all over me and I pretend to be annoyed as I try to edit photos and type- but I love his attention. His skin, still naked...and so soft it is almost unbearable in its beauty. I breathe in that smell of him and pheromones flood my mind and for a moment- the endless and sometimes unbearable thinking stops...and all I do is feel.
And the next thing I know- like it's happening right now- the day is over, they are in bed, and I sit chatting with you. And suddenly everything went by so fast. Much, much too fast. But I can still detect the smell of baby Parker on my sheets, and the world is just right for a moment.
Time for bed. Have a wonderful weekend. Look for the beauty in your rituals. Make them your prayer.
Love,
Chrissy
There are times I feel alone. Times I feel lost. Times I isolate myself because it is easier than putting on a happy face. It's funny though, having children with autism hasn't made me more sad of a person. Honestly. If anything I think I look for - and therefore find more happy. Before I think I made up a lot of my problems. I turned them into scary monsters in the closet.
And then one day the scary monster came out and it got me. And although it is quirky and unusual and unexpected- it's not nearly as scary as I had expected. There are moments, of course- when Life is hard. When Life feels like a lower case l, instead of a big and tall mighty one. I sometimes look for big moments to fix it all and make me happy.
And I am so very grateful for many of Life's reality checks that help me to keep it all into perspective. And you- wonderful precious you. You too have your monsters that came out and got you. Your important battles and struggles. They take on many different forms- our monsters. And in hearing from you I realize that sometimes the holidays rustle up some of those feelings that you had comfortably and thoughtfully placed away. Some of you are dealing with a stressful and crappy family situation. Some are sparing with infertility or a loss of pregnancy. You can't wait for the day when you can breath again. Today I made sure to be grateful in my moments of Mom'ing to honor you. I think of you daily- I really do. I don't want to take my gifts that you long for desperately -for granted. Some of you are changing jobs, getting separated or divorced. Some of you are experiencing your first holiday without your children as a byproduct of divorce. Some of you can't eat your Thanksgiving meal due to chemo. I hear you, I feel you, I honor your struggles.
I tell you all of this- not to depress you. Goodness no- just the opposite. I tell you this because although our struggles may be different- sometimes our sadness and grief unites us. Sometimes I hit publish on a post I write and I feel what author Brene Brown calls a vulnerability hangover. That sick and wondering feeling- Did I say too much? Should that have been off limits? But I am an all or nothing gal. I don't often do the in betweens. And without fail, anytime after I feel that vulnerability and I second guess my transparency, I hear from you. And although our stories are different, you felt the Me toos when reading my words. It reminds me- that sting of vulnerable you may get when you share your truths, is worth the awesomeness of hearing the Me toos. Every time. And if someone doesn't get your truth. If you share and someone tells you to feel or think a different way- I'm sorry.
I could tell you a million stories of living Life- not in the in between. Time had passed after a devastating breakup a couple of years after I moved to Los Angeles when I was 25. Finally I healed and I was ready to date. People kept telling me I would find love when I least expected it. To that I say- SHUT IT PEOPLE. Don't tell single people that. EVERYONE tells them that. I couldn't have LEAST EXPECTED it more. I couldn't have LEAST expected if I had laid UNDER the table at a bar with my eyes closed refusing to meet or talk to boys. Meeting people out at night was RIDICULOUS. Unbearable really. It felt like Twitter. A bunch of people yelling stuff out to each other about themselves, with no one really listening to each other. I didn't meet potential husbands- I met potential psycho path narcissistic killers. I finally took matters into my own hand. I joined Match.com, Eharmony and Jdate. All at once. No- I'm not joking- and no, I am not Jewish. Just-- don't even ask. I dated like it was my JOB. I lived in Brentwood- a community nestled in between Santa Monica and Beverly Hills. There was a Starbucks or Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf on every corner. I made that work for me. Dinner dates were out of the question. Drinks date- not worth the entire night out if they were a dud. I streamlined the process. The screening date was worth coffee only. Date one, 11 am- Coffee Bean on Barrington Street. Date two, noon- Starbucks on Third Street Promenade. Date 3 1pm, Coffee Bean on Wilshire. I knew within the first 5 minutes that each date was a bust. No- I don't want your business card. Thanks though.
It's unbelievable how much my Life has changed since then.
Dude, I even made a craft. This is as craftastic as I get. Promise.
Fill a water bottle 3/4 full with hot water. Use all the glitter glue, and add as many extra sprinkles and as much glue as you want.
Shake it up baby, swirly, stimmy, Spectrumy goodness.
Sometimes it's good to be all crazy type A, get er done, 3 dates in one day type of gal. And sometimes it's nice to just be relaxed, calm and settled.
And I woke up to this on my front lawn.
Michael deer bombed the front yard while I was sleeping. I'm not sure how I feel about this. Apparently he thinks we are the Griswalds. Michael- I'm not ready for any blow up snow men. I'm just not there yet. But if God forbid we get a minivan, you can just buy the damn snowman.
Late this afternoon Grey and I took a walk to visit a neighbor. At approximately 4:15 the sun is absolutely golden and magical.
All day long he is told what to do, how to play, how to eat, where to look, how to sit...Get off the table. Don't touch that. Don't put that in your mouth. Corrections all day long....sometimes it's so nice to just let him run free. We all need time to just run free.
I find that most beautiful moments in Life, often just occur...they are spontaneous-not on purpose. The moments when you stop and wish time would stand still. You don't have to always plan them. Don't worry- those moments always find a way to find you.
Love,
Chrissy
I am like Pavlov's dog first thing in the morning. I hear the familiar bubbling hums and hisses from our coffee machine and I immediately am at ease. The first sip is better than all the rest combined. Funny how that happens. Today most certainly was a Monday, but less offensive knowing that this is a shortened week.
Ivan Pavlov accidentally discovered Classical Conditioning, which has had a major influence on Behaviorism. The analytical study of behavior has been a key concept for teaching children with autism. Pavlov's initial intent was to study the digestion of dogs, however, when Pavlov discovered that any object or event which the dogs learnt to associate with food (such as the lab assistant) would trigger the same response (salivating), he realized that he had made an important scientific discovery, and he devoted the rest of his career to studying this type of learning.
Pavlov knew that somehow, the dogs in his lab had learned to associate food with his lab assistant. This must have been learned, because at one point the dogs did not do it, and there came a point where they started, so their behavior had changed. A change in behavior of this type must be the result of learning.
I think this piece of history is important for two reasons. One- sometimes we aren't able to do what we initially set out to do and we think we screwed up- but in actuality- our result is groundbreaking and important. And two- it's important to remember we all have control of changing our very own behaviors, and sometimes with a change in behavior- comes a flood of new thoughts, washing out old, outdated and possibly even painful and broken ones.
Most holidays feel like I am on the sidelines, watching other families celebrate. It leaves me thinking deeply and quite honestly- feeling too much. I think holidays mean different things to different people. I can see how it truly brings out the very best in some--it brings them to life-like they were born to do holidays. Some become stressed about the shopping and to do lists. It becomes more about chores and doing than about feeling and giving.They throw in an I'm so blessed and grateful to counteract some of those feelings and hide how stressed and ungrateful they actually feel. And some- some just hate the holidays. For some this marks the first big even without their spouse or father. There's no sugar coating it- it's just hard sometimes- Life. And for some, the holidays can make you feel like you are just doing life wrong. In the moment it's sometimes hard to remember that Feelings are only stops along the way of this entire journey of life.
Like most things, I find myself swimming somewhere in the middle of all those things. Some people have never been to Happy. They have no idea where to even find it on the map. Some people vacation in Happy, enjoying it while they are there, but unable to stay for long. Some people live in Happy, year round.
I want to live there- in Happy...Not take a vacation away from Happy when the holidays arrive-so I stretch and reach and grow towards change.
I close my eyes and motor through so much. I must to be strong. Look forward and keep moving, Chrissy. With family far away, Michael traveling, and managing two little boys each with a full time job, sometimes it forces me to go on autopilot. I argue with myself- Yes, I do need to motor and trudge and march and verb...but I also desperately need to frolic and skip and linger and adjective more.
Sometimes when we are in the thick, it's hard to find our grateful and find our shovel to dig ourselves out. Our miserable thoughts love company- so then they create more miserable thoughts to hang out with. When something is hard and hurts you and you close your eyes to it- it grows bigger and scarier and gains more power.
I want to open my eyes. I'm trying something new this season. I'm trying real grateful. Real joy. I'm working to embrace the holidays. I'm working to acknowledge the hurt without giving it permission to grow and multiply. Yes, the holidays don't look like I expected them to look, they don't look like everyone elses, and that okay. I'm embracing my hard, because I know from past experience that doing hard things creates growth.
We are here to grow- don't you think?
If I'm looking for things to make me sad- I will find it. This year Thanksgiving and Christmas is just going to be us. Dear friends who have adopted us in the past have moved away. It's hard to live in a new town sometimes. But I will acknowledge those feelings and frolic on. I will remember I truly have lots for which to be thankful. I will use this time to reflect on who I want to be when I grow up. I want to do big and important things in 2014, I just don't know what they are yet. I want to get better at grateful. Like not just doing it lip service. I want to feel its vibration in my core. I want to use it to help others.
And in order to change my thoughts, I first change my behaviors. Sometimes for me- behavior is the easier part. I made myself listen to just a little bit of the Christmas music already playing on the radio. I refuse to roll my eyes at the early Christmas displays in all the stores. Heck, we are even going to have a little Holiday Cocktail party at our house. How's that for embracing?
I want to try and get in on the hype.
I even decorated my house. Just kidding- I wish. It's actually a store in Old Town Clovis. It's so dreamy- just like I want Christmas to look in my mind.
THIS FACE. Seriously- sometimes it is unbearable saying no. He wanted to touch EVERYTHING and was saddened by my move to isolate and thwart him.
Tonight we went to embrace the season and look at the bright and shining tree at Riverpark.
OOOOOooooooooo. He thinks it's beautiful.
And in this moment - I really feel it. Who cares if my boys don't understand Christmas or Santa or care about presents? Maybe that's not all bad. We are able to celebrate together- with each other.That's what it's all about. Maybe, just maybe it is ME that has had Christmas all wrong in the past. It's about love and baby Jesus and grateful and blessings. Christmas and Thanksgiving aren't supposed to be perfect, but it's most certainly supposed to be happy.
However, there is something I saw in a display window tonight that I MUST have.
The three little eleves on the left. The middle one is my FAVORITE.
It's supposed to be with people you love. Whether you have one person to spend it with or 100. And if you don't have anyone to spend it with- you can spend it with us. No one should be alone on the holidays.
I will embrace the next month, with an open heart.
I will celebrate it in the ways that make me feel good.
Even if it's at Jack the dog's expense.
Whether you're excited or scared or stressed or all of the above. Take a moment to think about what you want the holidays to mean to you this year.
So much Love,
Chrissy
By the end of the week my extra random thoughts sit around like left overs. A little of this- and not a whole bunch of that. What was delicious earlier in the week- now? Not so much.
But still, I show up. Because we need each other to show up--even when all we have is left overs. I get inspired by you too. Sometimes you say, Me too! and until you said that- I had no idea. Truly- none. And I thought it was just me. Thank you for reminding me that it's not just me. It frees me up to be more honest and real in all aspects of my life. It helps me to strong and weak and happy and sad and connect with you.
I'm beyond mortified. I thought it was a fluke, but it happened for at least the third time today. While driving, Blurred Lines by Robin Thicke came on. Without even realizing it, I start to bounce. I am singing along and my heart beats with what can only be described as happy. I actually start to think I'm a little bit cool...and then I realize what I am doing and what song is on and I'm creeped out with myself. Like more creeped out with myself than I am with Robin Thicke.
When I was in college I did Jazzercise. It was like my religion. I would get into my car afterwards and immediately light up a Marboro Light. Wow. Good thing I was working out and all healthy.
At night I have to have dessert. As in HAVE to. Chocolate is my glass of wine. I'd love to have a glass of wine- but even one glass gives me a headache. But that's okay- because chocolate works wonders. Lately I've been having these.
And they kind of annoy me because I don't want to be a fat or a skinny cow. I actually would prefer to not even be a cow. They should just call them Nice Girl Chocolate. Way better. But I need to stop buying them--since they are skinny cow I sometimes eat two packs. And tonight I was reading the nutritional label, and eating two packs is like eating a regular old Snickers bar. It's as healthy as Jazzercising and smoking.
I love TV. If there is a REAL and a HOUSEWIVES in the name, I probably watch it. I watch it and feel worse about myself because in comparison- my life is so boring and I don't really go to fancy parties or have any Christian Louboutin shoes or a plastic surgeon on speed dial, and I also feel better about myself because I don't have a plastic surgeon on speed dial and I don't need those stupid shoes anyway and I am waaaay saner than all of them. So I mix the feeling worse and better and at the end I am just fine the way I am.
I just started watching Parenthood this season. For years people have asked if I watch it- one of the characters is on the autism spectrum. And the truth was- I couldn't. I didn't want to. I didn't want to see their struggles. I didn't want to see a stereotype of autism. I didn't want to get bummed out by TV- TV is where I go to get away. But I was asked so often- so I thought maybe there was something to it. And I love it. I think autism needs to be represented more on TV. I think TV can educate and entertain all at once.
Sometimes when I have a babysitter I go and run and errand and then I find myself just sitting in my car forever because I can...and I'm just so excited to have nothing to do and nowhere to be.
But sometimes, when I am hanging out with them, there's no where in the Universe I'd rather be.
Everything I shoot is using natural light. I'm practicing shooting with a flash. I don't love it- but I'm trying to get better. You don't just pop on a flash and go- there are new knobs and buttons and whistles to finesse. We went outside tonight close to sunset to run and flash and try new things.
Parker took this ghost off our front porch. Which made me realize we actually still have Halloween decorations out. And then I thought- that's alright- Halloween was just the other day...and then I realized just the other day was actually 3 weeks ago today. Opps.
So to feel better about myself I took these pictures.
So I can get a headstart on Christmas.
My Dad is in Real Estate. Starting when I was in 7th grade we moved frequently. My senior year of high school we moved next door to a train track. Like RIGHT in front of it. I could have opened our front door and thrown a rock at the train. Yes, that close. A couple times each night a train would go by, leaving me wide awake and annoyed. Train horns are made of multiple units called chimes. When sounded together they make a chord. I would hear the almost haunting sound of the horn, and then the hum of metal wheels on metal track, click...over and over again. I would stay awake until the last cart went by, and then fall back asleep until it happened all over again. A few weeks in, I would faintly hear the train's symphony of noises in my sleep... and then soon after that- the train didn't even wake me up anymore. Something about it's presence became constant and reassuring.
I went away to college and soon after my parents sold the house. After I left, I actually missed the sound of the train. It's amazing- things that initially are impossible and test our strength and patience, have the potential to turn into something calming and good. It's amazing what we can get used to. It just takes time.
That's all for tonight.
Much Love,
Chrissy
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Jealousy.
I hate it. Everything about it. I feel it sometimes. I hate admitting that. It feels like a virus...and there's nothing you can take for it. It just has to run its course. And it goes away- it always does. It comes back sometimes too.
Sometimes that pang- it's okay. It's a good reminder of something I want. It lights a fire under me and shows me something I need to make happen in my life...and sometimes it's not something I can actually have. What in the hell do I do with those thoughts? Where do I put them? They feel like poison. I can feel its heaviness on my chest, making it harder to breathe. I think maybe- just maybe I can tell you I feel that...I feel jealous sometimes...and then those will fly up in the air and pop, and be gone...at least until I come down with it again.
I could hear it in the background while I was getting ready this morning. My two year old is even reading. We love ABC mouse. A commercial for an online learning curriculum for preschoolers. Good for you, shut up lady- I think. I just want mine to talk.
A big part of parenting a child with Super Powers is forgetting everything you thought you knew and expected about parenting. But sometimes it's hard to forget those things deeply woven into your psyche. There are days I forget to forget. Days I want what I want. Michael got me a subscription to Parenting Magazine a couple of years ago. I'd flip through the pages, waiting for an article to catch my eye.
Key milestones and development for your child (This doesn't apply to me- not my kids and I don't want to be reminded what they aren't doing)
After school snacks (we are gluten/dairy/soy free- nothing here they can eat)
Wacky pregnancy symptoms (I fricking wish. I love and cherish my boys...but 3 with autism- I couldn't- I can't risk the odds- and I know I am so lucky, so so so so lucky to have two babies. I just have to learn to let go of this one. I have to find a place to put this pain that sometimes takes my breath away.)
And the next thing I knew- I would be flipping through the magazine in tears...It just isn't written for me. So I finally just started to throw the magazine directly into the trash as soon as it arrived until the subscription ran out. And that situation was controllable. But I can't move to an island to make sure I don't see and hear other things that hurt me. So I live.
And sometimes it just hurts because sometimes living hurts. Maybe you feel that way sometimes too.
Doodle reminds me- Be hopeful, look for beauty, look forward.
We human beings sometimes have to deal with hard things- hard conversations and topics and life situations and there's just no quick way around it. Sometimes a shit storm comes our way and we have to go right smack down the middle of it. And since we are human- sometimes we want what isn't ours to have...And we grow and we ache and we stretch and we learn. We try to remember what we neeed to focus on. We remember to carry an umbrella. People with imperfect lives, people who know pain and hard work and sacrifice- You are my favorite. You are layers upon flavors of good. I'm crazy about you.
It's funny- In those moments I try to tell myself- there's always someone who has it worse than you. Some people would be grateful for the gifts you have. Be grateful for your blessings. But those are just words in a sentence. I do better when I have pictures. THIS will make your heart hurt and feel good all at the same time. Just like life. I watched it again tonight and looked up to God and said- Thanks for putting that in front of my eyes tonight. I needed that, God.
Sometimes people ask me what they should say to a family with a child recently diagnosed with autism. It's a great question- and one that I just can't answer in any universal way.
I remember telling people close to me- We think that Greyson has autism. I can't begin to describe what an awkward conversation this was. How dreadful it was each and every time.
All I wanted to hear was, I'm so sorry. One friend cried with me. Not in a way that I had to take care of her feelings -but in a way that let me know she knew how much this was hurting me. And for a moment we hugged and cried. As a parent she felt the- what if it were my child? pain, and I felt it and I felt loved.
For me- an I'm sorry, what can I do?- and a hug or a letter was like salve on a burn.
One of the greatest gifts writing has given me is a connection with other people. I especially cherish my connections with parents of children with Super Powers. I love hearing from parents with a child recently diagnosed. They are some of the most raw and important emails I have ever gotten. I remember being there- at the very beginning of all of this- and I just needed to talk to someone. Someone real and already walking on the path before me. Someone who could promise me my life wasn't over.
I've heard from a couple parents who get offended when someone says, I'm sorry, in response to the news that their child was newly diagnosed with autism. I was surprised when I first heard that, but I can respect that a well placed I'm sorry isn't for everyone.
I guess the main thing I would say - is say something. Don't be silent. The silence is so loud. Don't be afraid of mentioning the hard word- whether it be death or cancer or autism or divorce. Don't be afraid to bring it up. Be kind, don't offer advice. Say- How's your head? How can I help? Speak up because you care. We are grown ups- we can have those hard conversations. If you say the "wrong" thing- it's probably not about you.
Make time for paradise. Even if it's the frog pond down the street from your house for 20 minutes.
I wish I could have busted that door down.
And I'll leave you with a little something to make you feel BLISSy. It's hilarious but I teared up. Life often does that to me. Here's Kid President- just for you MOMS.
I don't know about you- but I feel better.
Love,
Chrissy
