Future You

What do you want out of life? My answer to that question is really quite simple...and all boils down to one thing...

I want to be happy.

Here's where the confusing part comes in- and that is figuring out what it is that actually makes me happy. I am slowly learning how to live that answer. Through trial and error I learn....Hmmm...I thought that would make me happy, yet I was wrong...and I had no idea that this would bring me so much joy.

Happiness comes....and it goes...and the great part about that equation is its flip side-  sadness also comes and goes. And neither lasts as long as we might expect. So hold on tight- this moment will be over soon...whether we want it to or not.

Bedtime last night...impromptu glow stick fun outside. Made us all very happy.



I'm pretty sure he sees things we can't when it comes to light and water.  He has Super Powers.



Something about the "right before bed" hour sometimes feels sacred. One of my favorite parts of being a Mom.


On October 18th, 2009 I went into the employment World for the first time as a working Mother. Greyson was a little over 4 months old, and I thought I would die from leaving him daily. For months I cried daily every time I thought about going back to work. As a Parent, I now had a real and raw vulnerability- the potential to hurt in a way deeper and sharper than I could have ever imagined before. As a Mom, I wear my heart on my sleeve....and my pants, and my shoes, and my head and my eyes. Sometimes loving someone this much hurts...

Yet Mom'ing makes me so very happy. And when I look back at the time, the memories make me happy all over again. Happy with a side of happy.

On November 18th, 2009, one month after I returned to work, I received a very important email that told me everything I needed to hear...it praised me for transitioning back into the work world so seamlessly. It talked about how important it was to set an example for my son- to show him that sometimes things are hard and we may not want to do them- but we still have to be strong and do it anyway. It kindly told me that all my worrying had in fact, not paid off- that Greyson was doing just fine without me-he didn't in fact hate me or forget about me because I left--it reminded me that I was still a full-time Mother despite the fact that I had a day job. The author even told me that if I stopped and looked around- I would realize that there were things I had forgotten about the job that made me happy....like driving around by myself listening to Howard Stern in the morning...or wearing grown up clothes that were spit-up free...like eating real food for lunch like sushi- instead of 27 gold fish crackers, a piece of licorice and a half a bag of stale pretzels.

And you know what, it was right... I am still grateful for that email.

Do you know who wrote it?

I did.

When Greyson was 3 weeks old I came across a site called Future me.  Often when I think of my Future- I do so in worse case scenario. I don't give myself a locker room worthy pep-talk. I tell myself to prepare for the worst so that when it happens, I don't fall crashing to the ground.

Guess what? That doesn't help...and the worst case scenario in our mind - never turns out the horrible way we imagine. The Future me website is awesome because you can write the Future You an email and designate a delivery date all the way up to 2062.

I fully believe in the importance of living in the present moment- I know that the only thing that is actually real in our life is right now...but I also believe in goals, and I believe that when I talk to my head about the future- it needs to start being more exciting and positive and less about what I am afraid might happen.


What would you tell the Future You?

So, today was the day....

IEP. Individualized Education Program.

Once again my worries were unfounded. Let me start out by saying I can't think of a single thing I'd like to sit around and talk about for 2 1/2 hours straight...not even my children...so I can't really say it was fun or awesome....but as far as IEPs are concerned, it was really good.

Here I am after...see? I'm just fine.



It was nice to have a room full of people...all there for one reason.



Him. Team Greyson. His happiness is pretty darn important to us.

I attribute the ease of the meeting partially due to the following tips. Despite my constant research and  working on the IEP for the past few evenings, I never came across the following things I did that helped me through it, so I will detail them for you...



1.Wear cute shoes. It's hard to be anxious when you are wearing cute shoes. If you are a Dad reading this, I do not suggest hot pink.

2. Caffeinate. Diet Pepsi on the way, Starbucks at the meeting. Everything is better with caffeine.

3. Hot buttons. The words we hate to hate. To start the meeting I asked if we could avoid the words on the left and instead replace them with the ones on the right. Those words, despite however functional - cause an immediate gutteral reaction for Michael and I. Avoiding them completely made for a pleasant meeting.

Thank you Noah's Mom for the Super Powers substitution!


I'm glad I over-researched because I went into the meeting with a big bag of knowledge which always makes me feel at ease. I kept telling myself- this is a business meeting. That's all it is. And the School District advocated on the behalf of Greyson, right alongside with us. There were no tears, no yelling; Team Greyson was more than willing to work with us on goals and placement. It was a collaboration of minds working for my son Greyson. We still have some homework to do before we finalize it and make it official. The meeting resulted in a game plan for Greyson's Future that looks bright and promising. The Future Him is doing so good in his new program, I can't even believe it. Future Him wrote me a letter telling me all about it. (The Future Him can talk AND write!!! Holy Cow.)

And although it was stressful, I realized the overall theme of the day was really stinking good while I was giving Parker a bath last night.


The hard times...the struggles....they never last.... But the happy ones live forever in our memories.



None of us knows what the box called our Future holds... but something tells me it is going to be really good -and I don't even need the Future Me to tell me that.

Chrissy

Happily Ever After

I believe in fairy tales. I believe that strewn throughout the words, “Happily Every after.” Are other words like …uncertainty…failure…heartache… loss… fear… pain… strength… authenticity…survival…  Like me, the guy who came up with Happily Ever After doesn't like to focus on the negative either. They are just assumed. Fairy tales aren’t perfection. They speak of lost shoes, midnight curfews,  evil step sisters, uncomfortable mattresses, grandma-eating wolves, possessed mirrors, poisoned apples, lions and tigers and even bears.

I think we can tolerate the in between... the uncertainty, the fear and the self-doubt…as long as we can have hope in our own Happily Ever After. We suck it up, we move forward and we take the bad with grace when it comes. We accept the hard...We welcome the challenge... We just need a little happy thrown in during the in-between. I am living my Happily Ever After right now. It's far from perfect, but it's more happy than not.

This weekend I did a photo shoot in Downtown Fresno. I felt like I stepped into a Back to the Future movie set.


Something simple like a red brick backdrop is beautiful to me.


And if I were a garage, I would ask my owners would paint me this color.



I think it's important to love where you live. To look at it with the eyes of tourist. To explore.


Today was good. Both boys got some new kicks.


They were Parker's first. (sigh) And like his socks, only one could stay on at a time. 






And as I was taking this picture, Parker also had his first cigarette, thanks to the pile of butts a few stairs up. I screamed, "PARKER! NO!!!" But it was already in his mouth. Hopefully it will be his last smoke, or I will threaten to show his future girlfriend this picture...





He's getting more and more independent... He likes to play with Greyson's toys.


His thinking face...

I think this was his way of telling me it was dinner time...which it was, which must also mean he can tell time...brilliant.



Sometimes The Real Housewives of something or other is exactly where my brain needs to go at night. Mindless. It is a delicious glazed donut. Absolutely no nutritional value, but something needed just the same from time to time. That is where I go to check out. I also love to read. Books take my my mind on the vacations my body might not be going on. Books help refuel the self.

I look for inspiration from people with strength. I like people who gather their strength from within, almost as if their Endocrine System is making it. No one can touch it, steal from it, poison it or remove it. It is an endless supply from within.

Bruce Lee, the most influential martial artist of the 20th century said that the key to immortality is first living a life worth remembering.

I was flipping through the channels over the weekend, and I came across “I am Bruce Lee” and something compelled me to stop. He had the elegance and grace of Audrey Hepburn… the deep philosophical mind of Thoreau. Passion. Determination. I am drawn to it. I breath it in and refuse to exhale. He had a toughness in his soul and a softness in his way. He seemed to have found his harmony of self. He says beautiful things that I needed to hear, like, “To learn to swim, you can’t learn on land.” He believed in the process of continuing growth. He didn’t believe in one particular style. One Law. He wanted everyone to personalize each experience and make it their own- human expression. If you just try to memorize or learn moves you will never be successful, you have to make them your own and live them.

"Be formless... shapeless, like water. Now you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. You pour water into a bottle; it becomes the bottle. You put water into a teapot; it becomes the teapot. Now water can flow, or creep or drip or crash! Be water, my friend.." Bruce Lee.



Thoughts rummaging free in my mind this weekend.

If I were a candy bar, today I would be a Rolo. Lacking complexity. 2 components working in harmony. Simple. Good. I think tomorrow I will be a Kit Kat.

Pigs only have one tail, so why are “pigtails” two?


And lastly, I’ve decided that Facebook and I need to have a little break.
Facebook, it's not you...it's me.
Looking at it doesn’t make me feel good. There were days that I checked it eleventy hundred times. Why? I don’t know…bored. Looking for a connection to the outside World...instead it has made me feel more empty...less connected. “Look what you aren’t doing” it taunts at me. Or I find myself looking through pictures of your cousin’s friends wedding that you commented on -although I know no one in the pictures--as opposed to doing something real…or productive… or fulfilling… I'm taking that time back. I see things that are none of my business that I wouldn’t even know if Facebook didn’t exist. I’m going back to the time when I knew what was going on in your life because you told me- if you choose to do so. Not because I saw it on Facebook.

Like Bruce Lee, I don’t believe there is one way for anything. I must take and draw out the beauty from different places in a way customized just for me. At least for now, Facebook will not be part of that equation. I have a compulsive and addictive personality….Facebook made that behavior bubble up- hoping to fill a void that Facebook can not fill. I took it off my phone and I haven’t checked since Sunday morning. I’ll check every few days, maybe once a week. For now, I don't know. It will be hard for me to not put the new post as my status update. I hope I don't go through withdrawals! (yes, I'm joking...kind of...)

It took me a day or two…but I remember now- the point of sharing the blog was never to see how many likes I got. Sometimes I am so silly! It was to make life better for my son- so more people could understand about Autism. It was also in the hopes to help a new Momma or Poppa navigating their way in Spectrumville. And as an added bonus- I like to write, so I get to play around with a passion. It is fun for me....watching words flow into sentences....that makes me feel good...being able to hit delete when I am not feeling the right connection...adjectives... beautiful as flowers yet they never die. And I am SO GRATEFUL for Social outlets like Facebook that have allowed this message about accepting different to spread. I am grateful to you my friend that have helped me share this message. Please keep sharing it! And if you share it on your Facebook page, I feel bad that I won't see and be able to thank you, but know that I am still THANKFUL!!

I want to say a special "thank you" to Teacher Amy for working on Memorial Day today even though it is a Holiday....because Speech Delays don't take Holidays.

And a special Thank you to my awesome boy who works so stinking hard. Here we are on our way to speech.


I was so happy I got to sit and watch Grey at speech. Michael stayed home with Parker. Lately it's been too tough to keep Parker quiet and content while Grey is doing speech with Amy, so for the past couple of months, I have regretfully just been dropping him off. But today I got to stay.

He hid animals in play-doh...

If I were an animal, today I would hope to be this cute little pig.






And read books. I'm so glad that "work" is also "play" for Greyson.


I would still love to hear from you. If you have anything to say, please leave me a comment here- or send me an email. Kellyc43@gmail.com

"Be water, My Friend."

Love,
Chrissy

Break the Routine

Prescription ibuprofen. Check.
2 tennis balls. Check.
Hot bath... soon to be -Check.

I am certainly a creature of habit. I crave routine. Before I had kids I was a broken frickin record.

Wake up

Get ready. Wear some variation of the exact same thing

Go to The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf

Go to Work

Come home and run at the Ocean, or go to gym

Get Chicken Maison Take out (Maison Special Salad. Rice on the side)

Do computer work

Go to bed

And I pretty much did the same thing Monday through Friday for at least 5 years. It felt good. It actually was a good life, but it was a safe one. It was my routine, and I found a man who was happy to do the same. Maybe that's part of the reason why I picked him. I didn't realize it at the time, but that kind of predictability and routine is a great way to slowly rot. The less I went out on a limb, the tighter I hugged the tree.

And then I became a Mom...and my whole World was quaking. Mom'ing beat the predictability out of me- one routine at a time. Up was now purple, and the opposite of black was icecream. I didn't know how to fit my World into a symmetrical little box anymore. I couldn't believe I didn't want to go back to work. Work had once completely defined me. I didn't know who I was without it...and then I realized who I was meant to be all my life. Greyson's Mom. I get so tickled when someone comes up to me in public and says, "Are you Greyson's Mom?" because they recognize me from the blog. It's working my friends. The whole Awareness for different movement we are creating together. It's working. I couldn't have done it without you. And not just different for Spectrum Kids....Different for all kids. Every stinking one of 'em. Being a kid is hard sometimes...and being a kid that is Different- that takes a whole mess of awareness like we are generating and like we are sharing with our next generation.

2 years ago this June I quit my job. We moved from our fabulous beach home to the Central Valley of California. I grew another baby. I started my own photography business....and I finally started to live. To really live. And it's so much harder...and so much easier all at once.

Tonight I broke my routine. I jumped outside of my comfort zone. I went with Teacher Amy and I played indoor soccer.

Now I haven't played soccer since college- probably 18 or 19 years ago. (doesn't that make me sound cool- like I played in college? I didn't. I played with with my sorority. Twice.)And despite my love for running, my willpower and a healthy endurance for pain, I'm a mediocre athlete at best. That's the funny thing- I write about running- how much I love and need it- but I am TERRIBLE by any conventional definition. I'm slow as heck. Like 10 minute miles slow....if I'm going "fast".  I'm not sure why I said yes about soccer. I was really nervous...but I did it anyway...but like I often say- I expect Greyson to go outside of his comfort zone every single day- constantly, and he does...and I must lead by example. I must stretch to be the Mother my kids deserve- and stretch to be the person I want to raise them to be.

And it was horrible...and wonderful all at once. And I think I liked it, but I wasn't sure because my lungs were searing hot, and my limbs were jello. But I was glowy and proud and happy...


Teacher Amy... A friend I wouldn't have made if I wasn't on this particular journey. Are you going through something hard? Look for the hidden blessings...they are there. Promise. 

But then I drove home and as I went to get out of the car- I felt that familiar painful burning sensation in my lower back...and now I am walking like I am 90...hence the prescription ibuprofen....
So I'm not sure if I will play again. We will see how Grandma Me is tomorrow. But I'm so glad I went. I'm glad I was up for the adventure.

I also went outside of my comfort zone today at Greyson's school. I took "school pictures"...of 9 wiggly, blinky, looking every which way, vivacious itty bitties. It was HILARIOUS and so much fun.


Isn't he sweet here? Note Grey's shoes on the wrong feet. I'm always so proud that he puts them on by himself that I don't even care that they are on the wrong feet. It makes me smile every single time.
I totally dig, Where the Garden Grows. You should totally "Like" them.

It's funny... so many of us make sure our kids lives are chock full of activities...soccer, dance, volleyball, swimming, tennis... Why? Well, because it's fun, it prepares them for the real World, it teaches them life lessons about winning and loosing, it gives them structure and routine. If we really wanted to prepare them for the "real world" that so many of us have lived- we should just have them go to school all day...come home and then sit behind a desk for another few hours... have them check Facebook 20 times- looking to fill some void within...have them drink a bunch of coffee...and then have them eat a mediocre dinner in front of the TV...go to bed...and do it all over the next day. What is it that you want to change in your life? Maybe you think you can't do it, but I think you can...Do me a favor...think of my son Greyson.... oh friend, he stretches so hard to adapt to this World...every single day. He can do it- and so can you.

Tonight as I was driving home from soccer,  I was changing from radio station to station, and I stopped on Melissa Ethridge's, "Come to my Window". I liked the song back in college, but I'm not particularly fond of it now...but all of the sudden the words below filled my entire car and my soul...and I swear that they were written just for me and Greyson...and I burst into immediate tears that bore no thought-only feelings...not feelings of sadness...Feelings of strength...


I would stand inside my hell
And hold the hand of death
You don't know how far I'd go
To ease this precious ache
You don't know how much I'd give
Or how much I can take

Just to reach you
Just to reach you
Just to reach you

Have the happiest of Fridays. Do something to break your routine this weekend.

Love,

Chrissy

Self-worth

I need to ask you a favor. Where do you get your sense of self- worth? I need to find a new place to get mine... Somewhere that sells some a little less fickle.

Sometimes I get it when Greyson has an awesome day. When he's totally on, he says words....in a row....that belong together...like, "I want door open"... and when he looks at me--he really looks at me.


and Parker is crusty but happy and we spent lots of quality time together.. and enjoyed the small things and played... but then there are days that are really hard on both of us... Grey screams and falls to the ground when he can't communicate... his eyes are in a different World, and despite all I try to do...I can't get him to focus.. and Parker is miserable and I can't make anyone happy....so my self-worth is gone.





Some days I get it when I go on a long run....and nothing hurts, and I've got babies and doggies and my lungs feel bigger and stronger...and I could probably run forever...but then on the days when I skip, or I can't go....or I am slow and heavy-footed...and my self-worth is gone.

Some days I get it when I do it all...I take photos, I edit for clients, I transport Grey and Parker with a smile, I schedule appointments, I return phone calls, I run ON TIME everywhere, I forget nothing...but then there are days when I don't remember to bring diapers with me...and someone poops.....and I can't make time to call someone back...days when I do 3 things and someone else undoes 4...and I can't catch up, or catch my breath....and my self-worth is gone.

Some days I get it when I have lots of time to get ready...and I just got my hair done...and I have on a new outfit and when I look in the mirror- I think- yep....gurrrllll- you still got it....but then there are days when there are bags under my eyes,  and my skin looks terrible...and I'm dressed like a homeless person that works out...and the hairs on my head look like they got into a fight with each other....and my self-worth is gone.



Some days I get it when I write a good post, and people are nice to me, and someone brings me coffee and visits, and some random guy lets me into traffic, and some older lady at the grocery store lets me go first because she said she can tell I have my hands full, and my friend Kasey texts that she will bring me over wine cuz she knew I needed it,  and the sky is blue for forever...

But then there are days that nobody stops by, and someone cuts me off, and people were rude, and I'm scared about our future, and someone didn't call or text me back, and I ran late everywhere and I wished my family lived closer....and my self-worth is gone.

So, as you can see, I'm in need of a new source for self-worth. Something with a little more staying power. I'll pay top dollar for it. I'm gonna need a lot of it because I'd also like to give some to my sons too. It's pretty important stuff.

Thanks,
Chrissy

Setting the bar low

I'm certainly my own worst fault finder. I hate making mistakes. I get so mad at myself for being so not perfect. Not often, but sometimes, I write a post and when I hit Publish I actually feel really good about the words I left behind. I'm even proud of them. Amazed that somehow my fingers and my brain and my thoughts and the letters on the keyboard were all working together in unison for the same cause and somehow put out some words that made us feel.

And then the next day, I think...Man, I don't have the chutzpah to top yesterday's post. I don't even want to write because I know it will totally suck in comparison. (New drinking game- Every time I use, "totally" you can have a drink...It's 6:54am as you are reading this? That's OK silly! I won't tell anyone. I am totally too busy judging myself to judge you. Have a Mimosa with your bagel.)
Ironically- oftentimes my favorite posts are not always yours-- based on the feedback I get on Facebook at least. They are not the ones that get me the most likes on Facebook. How ridiculous is that? A 38-year-old woman actually cares about how many likes she gets on her blog updates. Seriously. I will look and think....hmmmm...such and such post got 10 likes and 2 comments...but this one only got 6 likes and 1 comment...Sometimes my inner 3rd grader feelings of "Please like me" still shine brightly. I also blame it on the fact that I am stuck inside during ABA hours of 8:30-5 and my brain has to make up games to keep itself entertained. That's part of the reason I LOVE hearing from you. You are often my connection to the outside World, and like you, I am motivated by words!

Anyway, back to this very post right now. This one is going to suck  not be very good. I usually have a plan in my head before I start...a theme or an idea that got knocked loose on my run. There ain't a thing in there tonight. Well, maybe some crickets. Single Mom'ing has sucked my brain clear of coherent thought. It's nice and clean up there. I am not sad or mad or feeling overwhelmed, I just am a chocolate craving blob on the couch.

The good part of this terrible post? I know that it won't be very hard to top, and then I won't sort of dread writing the next one. Silver lining- right? Totally.

First of all...I forgot 3 very important lessons on the Life's little lessons posts I wrote last week.

• If you are over the age of 28 and own a magnification mirror, throw it away. Don't ask me any questions, just do it. Don't ever look at your skin in a magnification mirror, especially not while you are in the car in the direct sunlight. It is frightening. Don't pluck your eyebrows in a magnification mirror either- you won't be left with any eyebrows because each hair looks like a frightening tree trunk and you will be compelled to remove it- whether you should or not.
• Don't ever pick at your face unless it is guaranteed you will not see any humans for at least 24 hours. Don't say gross- you know you've done it. You are getting ready to go out and that little bump is just so annoying and you want it to go away...and the next thing you know, you have a bleeding marble sized welt and you have to make up a story on how you got it. 
• Don't buy a big bag of dry roasted salty delicious pistachio nuts for Greyson when you are PMS'ing and eat almost the whole bag like a fat cow. (that one probably just applies to me).

People are nice. Promise me you will look for signs of that today? If you look, you will see them everywhere. Like this... we live 3 miles from a place called Woodward Park and someone came all the way to our neck of the woods to hang this sign. 

Clearly they are a Dog Lover because they helped the stray dog in the first place, and clearly they are people lovers because they put out a lot of signs and did a lot of leg work...they must know first hand what the unconditional love of a dog feels like. Dogs live in the moment- they don't care about the future or the past....they don't hold a grudge against you if you yell at them or forget to walk them for days. I would love it if this picture helps a Momma and Poppa find their dog.

Here's more good. One of Greyson's Teachers made him these food-coloring water bottles because they have some at his preschool and he loves them. Extra bonus? We use them for counting and reinforcing colors. (You should hear him say Wuh-woah- which is obviously "yellow". Duh.)



Thank you Teacher Holly!

Today was productive. I feel good. I used to love giving presentations when I was in Pharmaceutical Sales. I would spend three times more energy than was needed researching and putting the presentation together because I'm just that kind of girl. The more research I did, the more I knew about the subject- the less nervous I was to get up in front of a crowd. Information and preparation is always the best defense. Today I remembered that as CEO of Greyson Kelly's Development I needed to do my homework to feel ready for our meeting. You can tell by my Title, I'm totally a big wig. You'd be surprised how down to Earth I am for being so powerful. And so I handled Grey's IEP like it was part of my job.  I did research to see what kind of milestones Typical 3-4 year olds will accomplish so he can have skills similar to his Typical peers.

I know that sometimes it feels like we have big hills to climb as Moms....and Mom's of kids with Super Powers like Grey. Big hills also mean more coast time once you get to the top...

Today I scoured the Hawaii Early Learning Profile, or HELP- a checklist containing 685 skills and behaviors in relation to all areas of development. It's up to me to know the specifics of Greyson's Development because I am the one who spends the most time with him. I don't expect his Teacher that sees him once a week to know if he knows the difference between a long straw or a short one- or other things like that. That's my job and I do it proudly.


HELP is good for determining the "next steps" for a student's learning course. I hand picked each and every milestone Greyson has yet to accomplish and wrote it up all nice and shiny. It also reminded me just how far Greyson has come in the past almost year. I even added a couple of goals that I thought of on my own. Like: 

SOCIAL: Independently greets parents when being picked up from school. For example, says, "Hi Mom" and gives her a hug in 8 out of 10 attempts. (Don't ask me what the whole 8/10 attempts thing is about. That part is school lingo and I need to speak their language!)
Sometimes it makes me sad, but for the most part I am used to it--Greyson more often that not -does not acknowledge me or notice when I enter a room.  He does not run to me and wrap his little arms around my waist and yell out, "Mommy!!" Now I usually have to go to him and take away whatever it is that is distracting him and say, "Greyson. Can you look at me. It's Mommy. Can you say hi to me?" 

But guess what.... one day I know he will do that all on his own because we will teach him. And one day I might even take it for granted because I am so used to it. I can't wait to take it for granted- you know what I mean?

He is so worth it. I just have to remember to keep my eye on...

OK, It's 11 pm and I need to get going. I've got some pistachios to eat. I might as well finish the bag. 

Easy Street

I learned to use the self-timer on my camera. I took this picture while on my run this evening.



And I took this one first thing this morning....



Oh yes, it was one of those days...


Sometimes when I am with Greyson…I feel very… incapable.

I rely so much on verbal communication. So since he can't talk, he stumps me. Oftentimes I don’t know what he needs…I don’t know what to do….and from his reaction I can tell that everything I am doing is wrong sometimes...And it leaves me with an overall sense of... incapable. Sometimes I feel like he is a newborn baby…but bigger and stronger and louder and more confusing. Is he hungry? Does his stomach hurt? Today we just felt off. It's funny- on my tough days I ask myself- "Is today tough because Greyson has Autism, or is it tough because I am a Mom, and sometimes being a Mom is tough! Many times I start to blame Autism and realize- these are the same types of feelings ALL Mothers feel. And I know that because you have told me that. Thank you!

Today, he barely looked at me. He wouldn't really connect with me. I felt like a ghost and like I didn't exist in his World. …. Longing for just one extended period of eye contact with him. Hoping for an invitation into his World. Searching for a connection or a look that said, ‘Yes, I remember you. I was in your belly. I love you.”

Today I ordered “easy” and they messed up my order. They totally screwed me up with some other guy. I am diving into foreign ground….getting opportunities to exercise my positive muscle…opportunities for Brave. I like positive…I like brave…but today I was craving a big delicious plate of Easy....


The other day I looked for ways to create Easy. I found it while making my -almost-every-single-day peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch.


We were almost at the end of the peanut butter....so I got out my knife- prepared to dig for that teaspoon....you know- when you hurt your hand from shoving it in so hard and you get peanut butter all over your hand and the top of the knife? I unscrewed the top and was about to make my first strike with the knife, and I said, screw it. I knew we had another brand new jar, so I let the remaining peanut butter in the old jar go to peanut butter heaven in the trash.

On Monday's we have preschool at my house "Two University"- 2U. Everyone is 2 and everyone but Grey is "Typical" so G can learn how to socialize and how to play. 2U actually was easy and the shining star in my day. I love having Mommas and babies and 2 year olds over. I love therapy that looks like play.



Today we were a Butterfly.






When I think of Greyson’s Autism…I think of rainbows, not a puzzle piece. I always liked puzzles growing up. I always hoped we could complete one and my Mom would ModgePodge it together so we could proudly hang it on our Living Room wall.. I remember dumping the brand new box out onto the kitchen table…the tickle of cardboard dust in my nose and the smell of paper pulp in the air. I would diligently search for corners and edges…Examine the color photo with conviction…. Satisfaction for a job well done with each placement of a piece in it’s home. The picture would come together slowly, piece by piece. And finally-- by about day 2 we were over it. Pieces would inevitably get lost. A dog would eat one. We had to move the puzzle from the table to the counter so we could eat dinner…and in the transportation- things came undone. And inevitably, the puzzle would be shelved or thrown away.
And that’s how I feel about Greyson’s Autism. There are many pieces. Sometimes too many. It’s hard for me to predict or understand…And medical science understands even less than me sometimes. No one person has all the answers… I think I might be missing a corner…and some pieces have already gotten lost and the picture of what I am supposed to be creating...keeps changing. So I threw the damned puzzle away…


When it rains, the air is filled with raindrops.  These raindrops act like a prism.  If sunlight passes through the raindrops at the proper angle it is split into its spectrum, which is made up of the colors of the rainbow. Ka-chow.The band of colors is called the spectrum which appears in the order of red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, and violet. Science and God all rolled into one.


Greyson’s spectrum is beautiful, simple, so brilliant it hurts my eyes sometimes…described partially by science and partially by something that is hard for us to understand here on Earth. God and magic rolled into one. He's my rainbow in the rain.



This guy. Bean seeds. 4 weeks old today. A 2U creation.


He was growing by double daily but then just started tapering off and looking a little bit wilty. I think he needs more room to grow. His roots are getting bigger than the cup. And so even though I don’t want to- we are going to have to move him to a bigger home. And while we are moving him- it might hurt him just a little. He may be scared. He won’t know why he has to go. He may be just so focused on the fact that he has to leave that he doesn’t realize he is actually going somewhere better and bigger.

Greyson is getting ready to stop “Early Intervention.” We are working on his IEP- Individualized Education Program. It is mandated by the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act.
An IEP is designed to meet the educational needs of each individual child who has a disability, as defined by federal regulations. The IEP is intended to help children reach educational goals more easily than they otherwise would.

We have to move Greyson from his plastic cup to somewhere bigger….perhaps a garden? I know it will be somewhere better- but I am scared and I am sad. I was just starting to feel like I had our daily plan all figured out... I never, ever, ever thought my preschool "courting" would be anything but sweet and whimsical....not confusing and overwhelming. At times I still mourn the Typical life I left behind.

IEP’s….I heard about them since the second the stork told me I had a kid eligible for Early intervention.. I heard no one advocates for our kids but us, so I am scared…and feel like I must go in with my face painted and armor on…All I have ever heard about IEP's is bad...negative...makes the school look like evil dictators...but my heart is telling me different. And I remember that in any catergory- there are people in life who get validation from focusing on the bad. I am not like that. I feel like everyone involved and working with my Son does advocate for him and us…they do care… In little ways every day they give all they can plus a little extra. I feel like they will give us the most they can- and maybe even a little more- like free rainbow Sprinkles on top….because something about the wavering sparkle in Greyson’s eyes makes people remember him and want to help.

Have you introduced yourself to me yet? Who are you? Maybe you mean to...But think I don't care about who is reading...or maybe you think you need to use some floaty bubbly flowery words because I like to write. Nah- not at all. You can even talk to me like we talk to Greyson if you want. "Me Mom...Me like blog.  Chocolate tastes good." Stop by and say hello. kellyc43@gmail.com or Facebook. It's funny, although Life with Greyson (and of course Parker!) has a Twitter account, I know nothing about it. That's all Michael. The other day I asked Michael, "What does pound sign, bunchofwordsmushedtogether mean? And then he said something about Twitter and then something about hashbrowns, and then I stopped listening. If Twitter helps us generate more Awareness than Awesome! (Holly Robinson Peete Tweeted about Life with Greyson by the way!!!) But other than that- I don't get it. It feels like going out to a club in LA when I was single. Loud music, distractions- everyone yelling out their own things, but no one listening to one another. I told you I was old-fashioned. I'm learning how to adapt in today's World. Just like Grey is.

Have a great day, My friend.

Brave New World

Sometimes I hate how extreme I view my World- the bubble in my head. Yes or No... Black White...Nothing in between. I am amazing, or I suck. I am happy, or I am devastated. I yearn and search for more in between. More Grey in the World.

As I ripen in age I am realizing that there are some things that actually are best viewed in harsh light. Things that have a clear answer of right or wrong. There are certain things that most people consider to be not OK. Stealing... Sins against people... Lying... People suffering from eating disorders or alcohol addition.  It's easy to see things going on and turn the other way...say, "It doesn't involve me." I hate confrontation...but I am challenging myself to be a grown up and speak up when I see something I know isn't right.



This spider was certainly not right. It was on our pool gate today. Dude has fur and eyeballs. I can barely look at this picture. I've never seen a spider this big in real life. Shudder.



This weekend was good. It involved some water...




He has mad throwing skills. I hope all of his wishes come true.



I am that Mom who lets her kid get in the make a wish pond. Why not?

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Every day with them is a gift. Sometimes I go to bed at night and feel bad-- because I may not have treated it that way, but more often than not- I do treat Motherhood like the gift it is. 

This weekend we had Green Monster Popsicles. (Spinach, Pineapple juice and mango in the blender then frozen for a Popsicle. Thanks for the recipe LHS! I swear you can't even taste the spinach!)



This weekend we went to a late night movie in the Park. Good old fashioned fun. Sometimes I think I was born in the wrong decade. I sure do love my MacBook, but I also love simple old-fashioned goodness.


Tonight a natural phenomenon occured. We had our first Solar Eclipse in 18 years. (An Eclipse is when the Moon passes between the Sun and the Earth.) We were able to catch just a little at the end.


The changing of the season is always filled with emotions for me. I ask the same questions...What was I doing this exact time last year? How far have I come? Am I growned up yet? Man, I hope not....

There are Mary Poppins evening breezes bringing with it--change. Last year at this time....Hmmmm. The weather was just turning warm...which is my favorite. Parker was 5 weeks old. I was just beginning to ease into that comfortable Motherhood that only time can bring. Less, "Ohmygosh- is he breathing? Is he OK? Am I ok?" and more sit and stare and just feel that crazy, mad love that bubbles and grows and impossibly expands over time. This time last year- I didn't know, or yet have the real and sinking suspicion that my son Greyson was Autistic. It's been quite a glorious year. I am loving becoming a grown up.

Challenges...hard times....messy real life...they are our only opportunities to be brave. You can't be brave sitting on your couch hoping nothing bad happens to you. In fact, you may just get your wish and nothing bad will happen to you....and nothing good either though. Hard times can make us weak, or they can make us brave. Choose brave.

I am brave. Something tells me you are too....


If I wrote about everything that happened in my life, you would be so bored. If I wrote only the awesome incredible earth moving moments, you would read a new post twice a year... So like most things in life that are good, I search for a sweet little place in the middle. A little Grey is fine by me here.

I search for inspiration anywhere I can find it. Words, songs, stories and people. I turn over rocks looking for it. Some people are waiting for it to jump out at them.


Last week at Grey's preschool it was Safari week, and he made this adorable little rock frog. (and when I say "he" I mean his Teacher).

Inspiration. Sometimes it takes a lot of looking, but it's usually there. I am drawn to people who are also expressive and forthright with their feelings, thoughts and flaws. Not often- but some days I wonder... Have I said too much? Why do I put this blog out there? Some people are so very private, especially where their children are concerned...and I...am not. Here I am....here are my feelings....here are some details of my life...some -pretty...some- not.
I'm not that blabblermouth in front of you in line at Starbucks that won't shut up, but I pour it out there. What you see is almost always what you get with me. I don't have time to hold things in or to lie. I signed up for the "Really Awesome Life" package and sometimes that involves making your own box and then thinking inside that. I want to make a difference on the World and the people I meet. We all have the ability to impact people...I want my impact to be good. You have the power to impact the World too. Will you use it?

Have a great Monday.