always learning

Famous jazz musician Miles Davis said- You have to be able to play a long time before you are able to play like yourself. A statement that is true for so many of our passions. I certainly feel that when I cut through the clutter knocking away fear or ego or insecurity to rediscover my true voice when I write. Sometimes it takes me a few tries and erases to find my own inner rhythm. 

It's certainly true about Moming. It's taken me almost 5 years and numerous ass whoopings(mine) to find a rhythm all my own in motherhood. That doesn't mean that some new transition won't come along and shake me- it does and it will continue to, and for a moment I will think I know nothing about anything and that I suck. And I will stumble along imperfectly - as we have no other option but to, and I will realize in time- the beautiful melody I hear is actually coming from me.

I used to live in the future. 
What if Greyson isn't capable of mainstreaming? (Mainstreaming is when special education students are taught in an inclusion setting in a regular education classroom). 
What if he doesn't ever talk? 
What if he never falls in love or gets a job or can survive on his own? 

Nights wasted thinking about my boys in some home after I die - leaving a sickening thud in my chest and acid in my throat, demons unable to coexist with sleep, surrounding and suffocating me. Slowly I pulled myself out of that nightmare- not to say I don't fall back there for a moment at times. I just stopped abusing myself that way.That thinking is the exact opposite of how I want to harness the power of my mind. A complete contrast from where my boys need me to focus. It doesn't prepare me for the future- it sucks the joy out of now. 

But the truth is - none of us are guaranteed any of those things- love or health, success or stability, a job or even a Volvo. That makes my sons no different than anyone else in the world- in a good kind of way. All we ever have is today, and so today is where the majority of my thoughts lie. The future is too scary- but today? Today I can handle. And that thinking process frees me up to focus on the things within my control and in my reach. It helps me open my mind to a future with possibility- not pain.


I no longer have a list of expectations for Greyson and Parker. Now I have only one: that they be happy. Honestly. If I make speaking or love or a job the destination there is an assumption that happy only lies within those things specifically. I want to make sure they know the actual path to everything can be paved in happy- no matter where the path ends. I know plenty of people who have everything in the world- including health and money and love and stability- who still are not happy. I want to create their happy while teaching them how to create happy of their very own too.  

I think as parents it's our job to be their source of happy- and more importantly, a source to teach them to find their own flavor of happy. And your definition of happy will be passed along the branches of your family tree still growing. My definition of happy is not buying something or being something or having something. It's a feeling of peace within. We have to listen for the silence- the happy we feel when doing something we love. 


I feel that when I'm outside- and my boys do too. When we are outside- we are not simply bystanders. We are the trees and the water and even the sky too. We are at peace. Today during our lunch break we went to our favorite frog pond. There were cartoon skies and white cotton candy clouds. Inside was not an option.





Learning is everywhere. Here is the San Joaquin River- the largest river of Central California in the United States. The 366-mile river starts in the high Sierra Nevada, and flows through a rich agricultural region known as the San Joaquin Valley before reaching the San Francisco Bay and the Pacific Ocean. I like to examine my home like I'm a tourist. I put a little less demand for learning in the classroom and Behavior Therapy and now try and spread it out into the real world. Parker and Greyson each get 20 hours of Behavior Therapy- plus an endless supply of real world adventure. I love learning- especially if I get to see it and touch it. I want to teach them to love learning too.


Parker and some Prickley Pear


Once there was a tree and she loved a little boy...


They like to take sticks and swirl them in the water, gathering vines and leaves. They would do it for days if I let them. 




Parker likes to examine the algae-covered stuff he fishes out.



I had to remain inches away from Parker at all times. He's fallen into this pond twice--I refused to document a third.  While I had my eagle claw on Parker... 


Greyson slipped and fell in. Fuuuudgggeee. He was so sad and wet and swampy and I felt TERRIBLE. What kind of mother am I if I can't even keep them safe? Bitch me said to me. And once he was calm and okay, all I could do was laugh...Even bitch me had to laugh. She feels so much better after she lightens up.



And laugh...


And laugh... I am still laughing now. Dress courtesy of the Gap--Mom's shirt. Thank goodness I had a tank top underneath it.  


What can you do but laugh? I like to learn the hard way- by trying, and failing and trying again. I had a little heart to heart with myself while driving home.There's much worse parenting guffaws than a spontaneous dip in a pond. In fact- Smack dab in the middle of this kind of situation is where the best parenting moments and greatest life lessons lie. Learning hidden deep inside. They watch us in the stressful moments- and it teaches them how to handle stress. I think laughing is sometimes the best way.


I'm not going to let a fall into the pond change how we roll. I won't let it create fear. We will still get too close sometimes. We only have one chance to go through this life, and we want to do it in the front row, soaking up as much as we can while were at it. And one day when we are grown- I will forever remember these as some of the greatest days of my life. 

Love,

Chrissy

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finding happy

We all have happy, constantly brewing and swirling within. Even the jerk that cut you off at the Starbucks drive-thru window. Especially the contemptuous soul who averted your smile and eye contact while not holding the door open for you in the rain. And although we are all in a constant mode of happiness creation, not all of us know how to give it life and let it out. The pain of that builds up and suffocates. That suffocation is directly responsible for every mean jackhole we encounter. It is directly responsible for every jealous feeling we laminate over. (I rock at that). We create a happiness aversion; focusing on things that we really don't care about in the big picture. Shoving happy down deep inside is impossible work and takes all the energy one can muster.

The older we get the more encumbered we become by life. The release of happy is often impeded by obligation, old scars, ego and angst. Living in the past or the future keeps happy deep inside, cluttered under layers. Happiness gets lost in the shoulds- be/do/say and think. I believe much of our adult life is mining for happy. Some of us find it and some of us don't. We keep filling up on the wrong things- like being right, or buying stuff or looking pretty. We have to unlearn our adult ways and get in touch with the kid inside.

This morning while Parker was still asleep I heard the familiar roar of the engine that has hummed us through the past few years of Wednesdays. We ignored our incomplete state and we ran.





Bed head, waffles and wheels. This truck thing never gets old. Some days- like today a feeling bigger than life washes over me while I am watching him. It's spiritual --watching his wholehearted passion explode. I feel like I am witnessing something great.  Today we ended up being 30 minutes late for preschool drop off. Oh so worth it.

The boys were effervescent in the rain this afternoon. Grey would expectantly turn his face towards the heavens and feel each drop connect.



And Parker walked up and down the sidewalk. I sat and admired his effortless happy.





We were lucky enough to catch a second truck today too. The first one this morning was trash- this one was our Frank- he picks up the green waste.

Happy is every day and often profoundly ordinary. It hides in plain wide open spaces. Why is that so easy to forget? Happy is a practice, like yoga or medicine. 


I found my happy at the bookstore tonight. It's important to make time for on-purpose happy and for me that often looks like learning. My three words for 2014- adventure, learning and giving. 

Sometimes it's good to free flow things that make you happy. You don't have to share them with me if you don't want- but you have to write them down. Something magical happens when you write them down.

Parker's eyes
Greyson putting his own pajamas on tonight- backwards and inside out
Dark chocolate/caramel seasalt everything
The sound of the rain as I type
Authentic, honest, expressive, imperfect people
People who have found their passion and feed it
Breaking Bad on Netflix (addicted)
margaritas with salt and a splash of OJ 
Mexican food- ALL of it.
The smell of clean baby hair and clean laundry
love when it's so big it leaks out your eyes

Happy isn't universal or a given or even always easy. Happy is today. And the good news is we get to try it all over again tomorrow.

Love,
Chrissy

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letting go

My sweet, first born, 4-year-old son shimmies his naked heiny across the toilet seat in McDonald's. The same boy who was wiped clean with antibacterial everything numerous times a day as a baby. Surfaces were painstakingly prepared for him--germs eradicated and slathered with antibacterial gel before he came in contact with them. Shopping carts, restaurant tables, foreign toys. Boy has that changed.

I internally shudder and refuse to entertain the thought of the vile germs and help him carry on with his business. Even for the simple deposit of number one into the toilet, both pants and shoes must be completely off- turning a 4 minute task into at least 15. Tonight we have all the time in the world so we go slow.



For the first time in my adult life this evening I found myself with both boys at a McDonald Playland, where we were breaking every rule- Shoes must be off, no food on the equipment, no going up the slide. Opps. Parker got stuck on a huge winding tunnel 10 feet off the ground and started to whimper. I knew I shouldn't have let him climb up there, I think. I have no choice but to wedge myself through the narrow, sticky tunnel, and flash back to the striking contrast of my past weekend.

Author Kelly Corrigan says, Things happen when you leave the house. A quote that makes me nod a resounding YES, believing it with everything I think I know about life. But I just haven't been able to make those words apply to me. From the moment we suspected something was wrong with Greyson- I have never spent the night away from him. And for Parker's entire life of almost three long years, I have been his last kiss goodnight. I can count on one hand the number of times a sitter has put him to bed. To paraphrase a quote from an old friend, I'm convinced their umbilical chord wasn't cut- only stretched. The thought of leaving them overnight leaves my heart pounding rapidly and I am unable to take a full breath. They need me. I couldn't stop them from getting autism, so I must ensure nothing bad ever happens to them again. It's hard to call out your own self for irrational fears. I don't know if it is a Motherhood thing, an autism thing or just a Chrissy trait- they are all forever intertwined in me and I don't know where one begins or ends.

But it was time. A month ago, my dear Friend Wendy- who lives in Southern California sent me a message that THE Kelly Corrigan was coming to {pages}, a bookstore for an author event to discuss her new book, Glitter and Glue. I knew that there would be no better occasion or more motivating factor to make me take a trip without Greyson and Parker. Wendy + wine+ one of my favorite authors ever. It was settled- I was going. And as the day leading up to the trip neared, I was only giddy with excitement. The day I left was hard. I knew the boys would be okay- I knew they would do fine. I was just so heavy with sadness. I was more worried about me.

My friend Shannon and I went together so the drive there zoomed by. During the 4 1/2 hour road trip, my sadness faded away and was slowly replaced with excitement. When we got to our hotel, I was flowing over and squealing- giddy with delight. We were right in the heart of it all.








Manhattan Beach Pier- where Michael proposed to me 9 years ago.




Wendy, me, Kelly and Shannon. Love you girls!




The event was everything I hoped for plus so much more. The book store was quaint and delightful. The doors were open and the ocean breeze rushed in. I felt like I was in a dream. Kelly Corrigan is a profound word merchant, hilarious and a regular old every day gal.


She read...



And spoke... And although I don't know her- something tells me this picture is just so totally her. She had the room buzzing with laughter at times, and throats thick with tears too.



One of my favorite parts was watching her sign books. She took time with each person, looking them in the eyes and really connecting. That spoke more to me than anything else.  I talked to her about this blog and you and my boys. I told her I was writing a book- and as soon as I got people I would be asking my people to ask her people for a quote for my book cover. She said- The answer is already yes. I'm holding her to it.

At one point the owner of the bookstore was trying to get a group shot of everyone holding their book. She couldn't fit everyone in the frame and her camera was freezing up.

I'll take a picture and send it to you if you'd like- I told her. As I got up to take the picture Kelly said, While you're up there, tell everyone about your blog.

HOLY @##t

But I took a deep breath in and I did it. And I was honored and grateful. Pinch me.


It was worth all the traffic in the world getting home.



Motherhood. I want this more than Life. And I have it and it's mine. But that doesn't mean I can't take time off too.



Sometimes you can even find ways to combine both worlds. What an adventure.

everyday good

I wish I knew the formula for the sugar coated days. The days that aren't long or hard or even particularly eventful. Problems fold themselves up and file themselves away in a box marked Never.

Days like today. Completely uneventful bliss, confident in its everyday goodness. Why are some days easier, even if they in fact, aren't? Hormones? Chemicals? Weather? Who knows? Who cares? The past two days have sparkled with good and easy, and after a mighty rough couple weeks, I'll take it.



Goodness starting yesterday during our weekly unholiday for the past two years- Trash Truck Wednesday.




It's crazy how little it takes to make them happy. Free time in the front yard is better than candy. Mind-blowing at times how completely satisfied they feel out there. There lies the starkest of contrasts between children and adults. I used to think children were the needy ones. When did we get so complicated and needy?


The bright blue skies breathe a whisper of Spring. Staying light just a little bit later to let us know it is near. We are approaching my favorite time of year: energy, growth and new beginnings.



Today Greyson's morning Behavior therapist had to cancel, so we had the whole morning to play hookie. We went to the greatest place on earth.






Talking about the car wash-yeah.







I could feel his anticipation thick in the air. Alternating between silent awe and squeals of delight. The sharp sound of water spraying the roof, the car buzzing in neutral, the loud hum of the suction dryers up ahead- a symphony of sound. We slowly inched forward while the light escaped our view and water danced before our eyes.



I watched his eyes light up. Has the car wash always been this amazing and I have just failed to remember until now? Children are the greatest gifts. For one- you can blame them for every time you spill on your shirt like I do. Second? You can also blame them on being 5-minutes late everywhere. And third, you get a chance to view everything wonderful in the world as if it were your first time. Something as simple as the car wash has potential to become your day's highlight.


He grabbed his book with special pictures that he uses to tell us what he wants, and on it he placed the word, Candy after the words- I want. Baby wants candy- AND ASKS?! Baby gets candy.



And we watched outside forever as the men furiously dried the cars that were rapidly moving out of the tunnel. And all I could do was watch and laugh at my boys happy- flappying --car after car. I also watched the men drying and laughing too in delight, a fact that makes me proud. Our car somehow got in the slow lane, and I started to get annoyed that it was taking so long- but watching him jumping and so happy and I realized- this is it. This is the journey- the waiting. Who cares about the finish line? And then I understood that sometimes the slow lane is actually a gift.

Happy almost weekend. If you recall for New Years, I came up with three words I want to grow in 2014. Adventure, learning and giving. I'm adding to the adventure bucket this weekend. I can't wait to tell you about it next week.

Much Love,

Chrissy

PS- So now unshowered and flappying are not words, spell check? You aren't as smart as I thought.
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how is your marriage?

A little while back I was out to lunch with a friend. We talked about life and kids and God and the world and shoes and somehow the topic turned to marriage. And we laid our honest cards out on the table and talked about how happy and shiny marriage seemed for others and how hard we both found it to be. It was such a relief. 

Marriage: A topic I usually keep inside as to not bash Michael or only show my side. Maybe I'm ashamed that my marriage is not what I thought it would look like. Maybe I'm confused as to why we are so bad at it. And for many different reasons- it's something we aren't "allowed" to talk about. We aren't supposed to admit when we are hurting or broken in the marriage department. I don't know why- We don't want to disappoint others-- our parents, our friends, our children. We don't want to admit we are the only ones having a hard time. But chances are- if we just talked about it- we'd realize we aren't the only ones. I don't do good keeping things inside- It's suffocating and lonely, so out truth flows. Besides we are human- not perfect, and so human we are allowed to be.


(photo courtesy of jerry frazier)


How's your marriage? It's the one question so infrequently asked amongst even the best of friends in the deepest of heart to hearts. And suddenly it's a shock when you hear about a friend separating or divorcing. How could you have no idea? They seemed so happy I thought. Why- because she shared a picture of them on Facebook and she wasn't giving him the finger behind his back or complaining that HE NEVER PUTS THE DISHES IN THE DISH WASHER?  Or because just maybe some people post pictures so their marriage will look like what they actually want it to look like. With phrases like Here's my best friend and soul mate bringing me lunch to work. And thanking them on Facebook somehow validates the relationship more than a simple and honest thank you to their face. We get so busy making sure the world thinks our relationship well, that we don't care how well it actually is. Pictures are partial stories and half truths and then we fill in the blanks about the rest of the story because that's what people do to make sense of the world. 

Someone asked me how Michael and I have such a good marriage, especially because there is information circulating showing parents of autistic children have higher divorce rates. That study has since been debunked, by the way. I will tell you I am the very last person to offer tips on marriage. We struggle like everyone else who struggles struggle. Married life has been difficult for both of us- not put the lawyer on speed dial hard, but working on it together and separately hard. Doable hard. I'm in it for the long haul hard. I think many of us are surviving in hard marriages because I think for many of us- marriage is hard. The more you keep it inside without acknowledging it, the harder it gets. It's work and it's hard work at that. Harder than parenting on its hardest days to me.

I don't think autism could cause divorce, however I think it has the ability to enhance whatever is already there. If you communicate poorly - you will still communicate poorly if your child is diagnosed with autism. If you fought about finances before, you will fight about finances after. If your spouse is emotionally unavailable- they will not suddenly learn how to listen with empathy. Whatever your kryptonite - it is enhanced and brought to light when there are outside stresses on a marriage. You may just have more important and more frequent opportunities for any problem to come to light.

I think we make a lot of assumptions on other peoples marriage based on what we assume to be true based on the view we have. You may see pictures of Michael and I and assume its bliss based on the fact that we line up about many of the choices we make when it comes to the boys. You may assume that trickles to all aspects of our life, but it doesn't. We are wired so differently. We think and act and feel and speak different languages. I haven't been able to find a translator. 

It's fitting that on our wedding day, I had my dear Friend Susie read an excerpt from the book, The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams. 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


What is REAL? asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle? 

Real isn't how you are made, said the Skin Horse. It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but really loves you, then you become Real.

Does it hurt? asked the Rabbit. 

Sometimes, said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. When you are Real you don't mind being hurt.

Does it happen all at once, like being wound up, he asked, or bit by bit?

It doesn't happen all at once, said the Skin Horse. You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get all loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++

And so I guess I can say my marriage is not perfect, but it is real. Let me say it out loud, Marriage is so hard. Who knows, maybe hard is the new normal. I still believe in happily ever after. I think we are living it right now, complete with the unhappy and hard and sad times nestled in between. This is marriage, this is life.

So tell me, How's your marriage, Friend?


Love,

Chrissy

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beauty and the Bandit

We were checked out of Life and therapy all of last week. Returning to routine today was a welcomed way to start our week. Behavior Therapy was cancelled due to today's holiday: President's Day. So this morning, we got to take our time and head out to the little town of Academy: Population 52- to see our Horse Friends.


This sweet baby is Bandit. He's a 12-year-old Quarter Horse. I love him. I feel his sweet and gentle spirit. No matter however kicking and screaming Greyson may get- Bandit stays absolutely cool. He ever blew in my ear a few times today. As he was blowing I asked one of the owners- IS THIS A GOOD THING?! Nervously. I was reassured that absolutely- yes it was. He wanted to get to know me. I always make sure to tell him, Thank you so much for taking such good care of my boy.



Grey struggled to - well, quite literally to get back in saddle at the Ranch. He was what I like to call feisty pepperoni. And no- I don't know how I came up with that term.




Parker preferred making dirt angels. I know how good our day was by how many dirt rings are on the bathtub that night.



They are both so happy out on the Ranch. In my next life, I want to grow up in the country on a farm.

* a special thank you to my friend Katrina for the pictures with me in them!



Next, we multi-tasked some Speech Therapy. Parker -left. Greyson- right. I just bounce back and forth rooms to watch.

And later we stopped by the beautiful Almond orchards, just starting to bloom. They are about half-way there until it's an explosion of white raining petals. You just wait.














Despite a serious drought emergency in California, complete with visit from President Obama last week - the grass is turning a glorious shade of green, and the flowers are still blooming right on time. It reminded me that sometimes we don't get what we want- sometimes not even what we need- but we still can bloom anyway. It's amazing what we are capable of.



Much Love,

Chrissy


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