Week End

High Five my Friend!

No, seriously- can you believe that we made it through this week? This week is the longest week in the World, according to statistics I just created to illustrate my point and energy level.

Not only did we make it through the week...there were times- dare I write- that were actually completely and totally awesome? And of course times that were terrible and tough, scary and overwhelming. And that is the brilliant thing about Life. Every single day is a new chance. Today a chapter closes...maybe a book even ends... But something new is brewing...something amazing and exciting... And I can't wait. I want you to get excited for it too.

And sometimes we find endings much easier than beginnings...I certainly don't remember people all over the World emotional at the ending of last school year...But the beginning had so many of us in a Target-buying tizzy...It brings furious fears of how fast they are growing and how quickly time goes by.


In the midst of hard times, there lies Awesome...Look for it.


Over the weekend I got my hair done...and the highlights up front turned orange-ish after being toned...

Autism? BRING IT ON... Our life will still be brilliant! Yahooo!!!

Chronic Daily Headache- NO PROBLEM!!!! I'll make it work.

Cheetos Colored Hair- NOT IN THIS LIFETIME. Get me to a salon- NOW. I might die.


So today I went to get that crazy fixed...


BEFORE...



DURING...


AFTER...



And as I was driving home from my hair appointment I thought- I could never go to prison because they aren't allowed to get their hair colored... And then I thought- that's a weird thought... because I'm pretty sure that would be the last thing on my mind if I were in prison...but maybe not.


After my hair appointment, I came home to this going on at dinner...



Parker and his magical feet that can eat.



And there's nothing like a Back to School Night to feel like a card carrying parent. As we walked up to the school I could feel a lump in my throat. It still surprises...Me- A Mom? How weird is that?
This Mom stuff is awesome- even when it totally sucks.

I got to spend some time in Greyson's secret classroom. Doodle liked it too.




Grey had a lot on his mind...




He's so much stinking fun. Despite the arrival of two new teeth, this is my favorite stage. (clarification: at some point at least something about every stage is my favorite. Yes, I will be saying, This is my favorite stage numerous times). He needs me yet still seeks his Independence.

He laughs...and sometimes when he laughs really hard...it sounds just like...me (a 90- year old loud drunk man). 




Ice makes it better...


What a difference one day makes. Today was so much better.

Sometimes I think we both need that reminder...

Give it a Day...See how you feel about it tomorrow. I know that one little day always has more than 24 hours, but you will get through it.

Happy Long Holiday Weekend. You deserve it.

Love,
Chrissy

New Perspective

Michael is in pharmaceutical sales and he is able to stop by the house at lunch when his schedule permits. Today he came by and as we talked- he noticed I was lacking enthusiasm. I'll even go so far to say I was a crabby cow. He asked what was wrong with me and I started to cry... I've been collecting tears for a few days and it was nice to just open the door and let them out.

Having a head ache for 2 months is wearing on me!...I told him, angrily...and I just want someone to help me. To fix me. To figure it out. I'm sick of it, and I try to be positive about it- and ignore it but today I can't.  And even the Dr. said- You seem awfully happy for someone in pain- and that's just the thing- I work to be happy...because feeling shitty does nothing for me...and complaining does nothing for me either...but today it's too hard to be positive... I just want to be fixed.

Some days I want someone else to trace the line first- so I know exactly what I'm supposed to do and how to do it...Sometimes I want someone else to be the adult. And today was one of those days... Here is my problem- figure it out for me and let me know the correct answer...Guide me God- show me the way please! And I certainly didn't think I would write about any of this tonight. I don't think you want to come and hear me complain...and me thinking about it gives it extra energy- makes it bigger-and even something as simple as someone saying to me- How's your headache? Gives it more strength...

Complaining about things that you hate...people that suck--situations that are unfair- makes that negative energy a much more powerful presence in your Life. Have you been around people that constantly complain? Aren't they so incredibly boring?

Instead open yourself to the possibility of Change...what am I supposed to learn from this?

And that gives me strength...helps me sigh as I type right now...There is purpose in what is going on in my life right now. There's even purpose in this stupid fricking headache. I advertise the fact that my life isn't perfect and I certainly don't need you to think that it is. People that pretend as if their life is perfect lack Authenticity that will always leave them isolated. Something told me I should write about these feelings though- because I think there is a little possibility of purpose there too. It's real. If there's one thing I need to be- it is real...even more than I need to be positive. Authentic... If I can write, and Mom and live and love when I am hurting...Imagine what I will do when I am whole again. And although I love immediate gratification- I'm not getting it on this one. Awesome- that MUST mean it's gonna be a really, really good lesson. It's gonna help me enjoy the good that much more. It's gonna make my life that much richer. (and FYI- nothing major on my MRI- but there are a couple of nerves exiting my cervical spine that are getting pinched and are angry...I just need to get them calm and relaxed). Easier said than done for a tighly wound individual like myself. Hope...As long as I don't loose sight of hope, I'll be OK.

After my cry today, I felt better. Just like after the rain- the sky is always prettier.

After speech late this afternoon we came home and waited for Dad- and then went to the park with water.



There wasn't another soul there - I felt like we rented it out and it was Awesome.


And while we were there I remembered- I am so much more awesome than this headache....so much bigger and better than it...And until we (Yes, I said we--Michael promised her would help me...thank you, Love) get it fixed- those moments of breakdown are necessary to regroup...and they are only moments- they are not forevers...


Meet my 16 month old walker...Yes, he waited 16 months to debut this talent...and he doesn't walk like a drunken sailor baby....he walks like a 28 year old grown man...I think he was waiting until it was perfect to show us.

Keep that in mind if you are going through something tough, Friend... Look for the purpose- the lesson in it. I promise it is there...Pinky swear...and maybe you won't find the answer today- but you can live out the answer. Don't let it stop you from living. Maybe you can even use it to help other people.


Growing up is hard sometimes. No matter what your age is. That's why they call them growing pains. Even Parker is no stranger to growing pains... he is getting 2 new teeth...

He teaches me how to live good and happy in the presence of pain. He teaches me to take time to taste and embrace the last of Summer.




Greyson flaps when he is excited....Many Spectrum kids do. It's fascinating and I wish I could really understand why...and if Grey is really excited- he opens his mouth while he flaps...Water, trucks, automatic doors at the grocery store, garage doors...the list is growing... You should try it- Getting flappy when you're happy...







And then lastly- you simply must read these soulful words. Please, please, please...It's about embracing all kinds of different --and there's a lesson in it for every single one of us. It's written so amazingly...
Holy cow- I just started reading and and reading and couldn't stop. Drunk from words. I feel like I know the author and I may even love her. She helped me deal with my headache and she doesn't even know it-- or know me for that matter. She says everything I would love to say in a better, sweeter, more intelligent and awesomer way than I ever could. And at first I was intimidated- like I should stop writing now because this gal can write-write...but I don't think it's about the writing as much as it is about her ability to be raw, flawed- really flawed, real and authentic...and I just want to share her awesomeness- because I love you guys that much...





Sometimes it's so nice to get a new perspective.

Much Love,
Chrissy

color outside the lines

Each daily drop off with Greyson pulls me a little into my head.

Thinking...I crave it like caffeine.

Thoughts swirl and peak and suddenly there is a Universe inside that I want to understand completely.
I contemplate....What is the meaning of Life?...What does real friendship look like? What would life look like if I was never afraid? Why are people afraid to be vulnerable?

And those thoughts are not heavy to me...they are like mind-jogging...and I long to feel and find and live and discover the answers as they come along.


The amazing thing about an Autism diagnosis, is that not only did our World change- but the World around us changed in an instant too. Some of the people that were part of our life before- are no longer in it. I realize that not everyone can be supportive, loving and kind -and that's OK, because there are so many more people out there that can. We focus on them.

Focus on the people that are able to support you in a way that feels good for you...not that feels good for them.

I walk around the house- trying to remember what it is I am forgetting...my keys? my phone? Am I supposed to be somewhere? Do I need to pay a bill? Return a call? 

Ahhhh...yes...


And suddenly I remember...my nest is one short... My misser is working overtime. I really have no idea when I became such a...sap.

After school we made a quick stop to the grocery store. I usually keep Greyson in the cart because it's easier- but today we practiced walking (and staying) next to the cart.



Every time he escaped- I knew where to find him...


Every single time...The magnetic pull of the Tic Tacs... I would look down to ask him a question and notice- Oh, Foo-bar! Greyson is gone...and then I would run to the front of the store and find him standing in front of the candy, worshipping at the alter of sugar.

And all the while I am learning to survive without him...even more importantly-  he is learning to survive without me. And school will help teach him how to create his own version of happy... A life where he can color outside the lines if he chooses to do. But in order to learn how to color outside the lines- sometimes you have to first learn how to color inside of them....

Greyson is learning how to trace a horizontal line now during after school therapy. First his Teacher traces a line- and then he traces one directly underneath.


He is doing so good...



I brought him with me on a later than usual run tonight. I cherish our alone time even more now.



Neil Armstrong... You will be missed.

I am working on letting go...Of course I still need him to need me-- but luckily- he is 3...I've still got some time to be needed.

Perfectly Unremarkable

Today was unremarkable...

Not in a boring way...but in a calm one... {shew}.





I scheduled a meeting with Grey's new preschool Teacher and his Speech Teacher at school-- so I took some time to prepare. Working on a project like that makes me giddy... Spreadsheets and lists and paper and organization... delightful....I made a document detailing the things he is working on in his home program of therapy and created a list of all the programs he has mastered doing Behavior Therapy in the past 10 months. It was amazing to see all the things he's accomplished in this short period of time. Not only has he learned many skills and knowledge that Typical kids are learning- but he's also happier...calmer...less frustrated. There was a time I couldn't even walk in the parking lot with him because he had absolutely no regard for his own safety... Times I chose to stay in instead of go out- because it was just such a battle. Now- it is fun and it is easy. We are proud and we are grateful- swirled into one convenient package.

There's not much to tell you about from today... and in my 14,136 days on this Earth I've realized- I'll take unremarkable any day. Especially after last weeks painful remarkableness. (Click here to see how many days you've been on Earth!)

We are ever so painfully slowly...wading through our new schedule. Our new Life... I wrote out a To Do list and I actually accomplished at least 62% of it...My hearts muscles are still a little sore. It will take some time.

Ironically today was our worst Preschool drop off yet... And as I walked to my car I could still hear Greyson screaming...and from the corner of my eye I could see him laying on the sidewalk while screaming... And although it makes me sick and sad- my body goes on autopilot...and I know that when that happens I am to give control to his Teacher and turn my back so he does not get positive reinforcement from his negative behavior. {that's a good principle to use on an Adult that is misbehaving- don't give them your attention...turn your back}. It also gets much easier because once I get into my car, take a deep breath, and take a few pulls from my flask of tequila. (Yes, I am kidding, Friend! It's actually filled with Pinot Grigio).


In order to get Grey out the door in time for school in the morning, Parker stays in his jammies. I figure he will get less stares than I would wearing pajamas. Since Parker still takes a morning nap he is often in them until the afternoon. The great thing about being a kid- your World is free of judgement and stereotypes.


Still in your pj's in the afternoon? Parker says who cares?




Tonight Greyson went with me on a slow run...


Michael will proudly tell you -this is the first concert he attended. That makes me laugh out loud. I just think it's a darn cute shirt.


We went through the golf course during our run because it's closed on Mondays and ready to be explored. Tonight I did celebrate my perfect boy...just the way he is...I celebrated his birth day... The fact that he's here...the fact that he's mine.



We got ice and we ran around...


Greyson has a mild aversion to walking barefoot on grass... Many Spectrum kids do. When he walks on it- it looks like the grass is hot. He tries to maximize the time his feet spend in the air. He used to refuse to walk on grass without shoes on- but we worked with him to get to this point (by worked I mean endured screaming tantrums in increasing increments). He will now do it on his own- but you can tell he doesn't like it.





Some Spectrum kids have a sensory aversion to sand as well... Greyson loves sand. Like crazy loves it.  It makes me laugh.

But running...there's nothing like his love for running... I was so glad I had my camera on this side of his face when he was running for once. It's kind of like he flies.

Thanks for stopping by. I hope that life treats you kindly today.

As a special favor to you, I'd like to share with you my two favorite kid friendly non-curse words... Since I have 2 kids that don't repeat what I say- sometimes I mistakenly throw in a crap or worse around other children... Until now...I came up with 2 new words.. Jack Hole and Foo-bar.

Use them in a sentence today. I promise you'll thank me.

Acceptance

Saturday I was driving in my car. An old- Toad the Wet Sprocket song called, Somethings Always Wrong was on the radio...and suddenly it was 1992...
I was on my way to college...scared, nervous, happy, sad, scared, overwhelmed, hopeless and hopeful. 
Will I fit in? Will I find my people? Will I miss home? Will I do OK in school?


My freshman year at Southwest Missouri State University (Now Missouri State University)- Ready for a night on the town- posing with our RA...I think her name was Stephanie. I'm far right. Please insert funny joke about my high waisted jeans and big butt here- I tried to crop it out- but my butt was too big to crop out.

And it hit me... The song is right. Something is always wrong... For everyone- everywhere... But strangely- that thought gave me comfort...Like goosebumps comfort. Somethings always wrong--and- Hey- that's OK...
We were never guaranteed perfect...
We were never guaranteed problem free...
We are not the only one with problems...
It's that easy.
But we keep chasing that life- that day- that moment...where nothing is wrong. Where we can sit back and kick our feet up and say, Yep...I found it. Perfect. 

And sometimes fighting that imperfect life takes so much more energy-than Acceptance...
Acceptance... It's the running theme to this chapter I am living in now.

I was talking to Greyson's Doctor last week...We were discussing one of my favorite topics-what is- and also what is possible. She said that our family is on a journey- and that the parents who are the happiest & most successful are the ones who take it daily- who find purpose in the journey and don't focus too much on the outcome... The ones who do everything possible for their child-try everything available- but still accept what is. 
I told her I have to work on that daily- but that is how I feel we are living this life. 
We discussed how it is very hard for some parents to come to grips when they realize they have a child on the Spectrum. Everyone's journey is different. She mentioned one soulful Mother in particular who had a Ceremony to accept the child they had- not the one they had expected.

And that inspired me so much...I am inspired to celebrate the birth of Greyson. The flesh and blood Greyson right here- right now. The perfect boy God truly blessed us with...


We all deserve to be loved for exactly who we are.


There have been times...I imagine him talking... Playing with the other kids...doing what they do..I imagine our days free of schedules and speech therapy...free of rushing and tantrums and tears... But that other life- it isn't my past or my future...it is a movie I made up in my head. It doesn't exist. I'm done watching that movie.

I totally imagined it when I first heard that the FDA approved a clinical trial to assess the effect of stem cells on Autism. I imagined how insane that would be... a magical infusion of neurological health. If this works AWESOME. AMAZING. However for now, this is just a hypothesis- and great marketing and a compelling Press Release by CBR (Cord Blood Registry). 



I imagined- what if the shoe was on the other foot?

What if my parents daydreams frequently involved their daughter--- as someone else? Someone who got straight A's...who was better at sports...Who had straight hair...and grew up to be a Doctor or an astronaut...


Bitty Chrissy- Greyson's age here.

I imagine Michael thinking about how great life would be if he had a wife who was a good cook- or who didn't complain about cleaning... Or who was taller or less emotional...

And those thoughts hurt! People wishing me to be something else that I'm not...

And I've decided here and now that I am officially and fully accepting the Greyson that is. This is the story I am meant to live. No more stupid day dreams. It is human to compare-but when I find myself doing it- I will stop. Because being his Mom- is absolutely the best thing that has ever happened to me. I am so lucky.


This is my real life...and despite its imperfection- I love it. It's exactly how it is supposed to be...and so is your life. Here we are Sunday afternoon...soaking up the last of the weekend.


The way he holds onto me and trusts me- makes me feel like a real Mom.

This life is certainly not something I could have ever daydreamed into existence... 


Parker and I have matching shoes...





No way. It's too good. It is brilliant. I am proud of it.

Tomorrow...The M word....I'm not even going to mention it.... {sigh}. 
I hope we both have a good one. I'm glad we started it together.

Love,
Chrissy

My favorite things

So instead of a Vintage Life with Greyson + Parker post- I will instead do a shorty but sweetie one.

I am so not Oprah -for a few Billion different reasons...but I can still share some of my new favorite things with you..And because of those billions of things I don't have...unfortunately I can not give all of you reading your own supply... However if you would like to come over- I will gladly share mine with you.

In the hustle of the week, I didn't even tell you I went Gluten free. Yup- totally. Today is Day 5.

I decided to do it for the following reasons...

1. To pledge my love to Grey...man-I know I'm corny- but that sounds really corny. Sorry.
2. To show solidarity as a little family unit. Parker is officially Gluten/Casein/Soy free (known as GF/CF/SF to those in the know. Gluten is Wheat/Barley/ Rye. Casein is Dairy- in simple terms)- so I figured I should at least give it a whirl for one week. So often I read about how someone cut gluten out of their life and they never felt/looked more amazing...I want to see if that is hype.
3. And lastly- and importantly- I needed something to obsess and focus on this week besides Greyson going to school. I figured I'd be starving and miserable and therefore focus on that instead of sad and miserable missing Grey! 

We have been scouring the World for GF/CF/SF finds for almost a year now- so we've already had that trial and error of deciphering through the horrible and discovering the good...so I know I have it a little easier. And I don't want to make light of anyone with Celiac Disease...I know doing it for a lifetime is so much harder than doing it for "at least a week"...

I've been surprised at how easy it has been for this carb loving fool...In fact, on day one I figured I might as well go without soda while I'm at it. (Don't worry darlings- I still consume copious amounts of Caffeine via coffee). I thought for sure the answer would be No- But when I asked Michael if he wanted to go Gluten Free too- he said yes! (please let me know if you see him at In and Out eating a Double Double on a bun. Michael- I have spies everywhere.)

In fact,  I was even motivated to cook...

This guy...

And this guy... 

I added rice.


I'll keep you posted. Moving forward...

Favorite thing number 1:


GHEE...It's butter for people that can't have dairy...It's the butter fat that rises to the top- and tastes just like... butter? Crazy. Now itty bitties- especially ones with Super Powers need fat as brain food.... So this is some good fat that I can put on everything for him.
You can easily make your own- but lately my motto has been- why make it quickly, easily and inexpensively- when you can buy it for $12 dollars at Whole Foods?

Number 2...Coconut Oil.

Anti-viral, anti-bacterial...called a miracle product. Sign me up...

After you read this article- you will use it too... I even slather it on- I swear...

Favorite Thing Number 3
Drinks with Living things in them...you have so helped me through my soda cravings this week more than I could ever tell you...


             
You had me at Sparkling and Rebirth and Raw...Who doesn't want to Sparkle? Guaranteed to make you feel like an absolute goddess while consuming... (men- they have some non-pink versions). I'd slather this on but I think I'd get all sticky... They both contain probiotics- which are supposed to help control the balance of bacteria and yeast in your gut which is thought to help with Immunity...(Now it's sounding more gross and a little less Goddessy- I know.)

So, there you have it... Happy Fricking almost Friday. What a week!!! Anytime I got stressed I went here in my mind...

Feel free to come join me...

Can you tell? A little Me is back..just a little... Things are getting a little clearer...

Favorite Thing Number 4. 
You...Thank you from the bottom of my gut- to my 206 Members/Friends helping to Change the World! I have needed your love and support this week- and you did provide!!!! Every single one of us- we are so much more the same than I think we realize.

Love,
Chrissy

This Way

God sent us a little prize on the way out the door for day 3 of school yesterday morning...

Thank you God... I needed that.... And The Trash Man- I'm sure many aspects of your job suck- but take comfort in the fact that many little boys worship you.

I promised myself I wouldn't name this post the day after the day after the day...but I still wanted to see it in print. Thank you for obliging me.

Sometimes when I go running with Grey- I give him choices...

Greyson- should I go this way or this way?
And it took many many times of modeling it- and pointing his finger in each direction for him...and showing him what each point resulted in...but now he gets it...and he realizes the power of his words when he answers Dis way-eee and points in his chosen direction- and I oblige accordingly. Sometimes our entire route is decided by him. 

This morning on our last right hand turn before entering Greyson's school--Greyson points in the opposite direction and says.. NO, NO NO! Dis waaay-eeee...Dis waaay-eee! Emphatically pointing in the opposite direction.

Oh, buddy! You are so smart. I tell him...I can't go that way. We are going to school. 

Can you say school?

Dewl..

Oh Chrissy...sometimes you are so silly...he does talk to you...You just have to pay attention...

The things I was going to do when I got the free time...I don't want to do them so far. And although my To Do list is long...my motivation supply is short... I have to go home immediately after drop off so Parker can nap.

Grocery store?...Didn't feel like it...
Nap?... no...too tired to nap...
Target? Nah...what's the point?
Phone calls and appointments to make?...maybe tomorrow...

I did go for a run with Parker after he awoke... (See- there's still a little me in there.)




I took a shower...
I watched a little 90210...The Original one...
And waited until it was time to pick up Greyson.


Tick tock.
Tick tock.


When I picked him up I arrived a few minutes early and excitedly waited for his classroom door to open. Suddenly I heard his cry...and slowly the door opened and Greyson walked out first...big splashing tears falling down his cheeks...Not a tantrum...Just sad....
Really sad....
I scooped him up in my arms and asked his Teacher- Oh no! What's wrong? And she let me know that he was really tired, and that he had gone up to her earlier and asked her to hold him. (I'm glad she was able to translate- he says I woooonnnn uhhh- for I want up.) And I knew that he must have been really really sad to do that. But she didn't know why he was so sad... And I held him close and I rubbed and I kissed his head... I asked his Teacher loads of questions and she answered them all- which eased part of my mind...

But the thought of him sad...and me not being there...is almost too much to think about... The thought of him not being able to tell anyone what's wrong...The thought of him working so hard...so many thoughts go through my head and I have to sometimes shake them loose so I can stop thinking... 

I scour through my drawers looking for my magic wand to make it all better. I can't seem to find it.


I'm swimming through a flood of feelings... I think I must take longer to process change than others do...Or maybe people just don't talk about it that much- because they don't want to be the only one stuck in the mud. Or maybe others just don't get so freaked out during transitional times...Just when I was almost- not really- kind of was getting used to Michael traveling for work every week...more change happens...and sometimes life just really makes you feel like you will never feel caught up. Today I want life to feel less like a roller coaster...and more like the Merry Go Round...And my rational mind knows it will get easier...but my heart doesn't believe my mind just yet...

Tonight I'm pretty sure his sad washed away at the sunset...and because of that- mine did too...at least for a little while.






We went to the zoo grounds...and he just ran and ran and ran...


It's funny...I never really thought I was that great...But now I keep thinking- I can't wait to feel like me again...So maybe me wasn't so bad after all...

Dear Me,
Come back soon.
I miss you.